15 blocks of jealousy….

 

About every 3 blocks the school bus would stop and I would see  sleepy eyed parents waving goodbye to the kids with a half-smile.

We were DIRECTLY behind the bus on A1A….

all

the

way

down

the

beach.

We had to stop at each and every stop on the way to take Jay to work.

What seemed like an eternity was probably more like 15 blocks.

With every stop I was becoming more and more GREEN.

15 torturous blocks of watching parents send kids to school…only to go home and do GOD-knows what.

Whatever they wanted….5-6 hours to themselves.

Ugh.

I imagine they lay in the sun reading 50 shades of Grey

or

they have dinner with their beasties…EVERY. DAY.

or

they relax, get all the laundry done and watch “Days of Our Lives”, which coincidentally…is like NONE of the days of their lives.

I am not going to lie….

I

was

JEALOUS,

Jelly,

Green faced,

Envious. 

All at one time.

The day before was REALLY hard for me in school. 

Sometimes it runs smoothly, and sometimes it all turns to shit.

Being COMPLETELY responsible for the outcome of my 4 kids education is a DAUNTING TASK. 

Like…”make me doubt myself, and bring me to my knees” daunting.

It is a huge responsibility that I don’t take lightly.

There are times that I read all the blogs on the internet and forget that they are all not 1 PERSON.  They are all different people doing small tasks everyday.  But it is easy to forget that and feel like a failure when you don’t complete a “pin” everyday.

It is easy to get down on yourself and think….

CAN

I

DO

THIS????

I mean…can I REALLY educate these kids?

REALLY?

You see…the devil seeps in as doubt.

He can come in thru a crack and permeate a space.

Quickly.

He is always conspiring  to steal our joy and rob us of what we KNOW to be TRUE.

He is slick like that.

But he is no match for the Almighty.

God KNOWS truth and intent.

He knows that because my intentions are good….I WILL SUCCEED.

He knows that my drive will conquer my jealousy.

He knows that in my heart….I am doing exactly what I should be doing for my family.

He knows because ….

He put all those traits in me.

He grew my strength and made me - just. for. this. life.

Perfectly woven and ripened….

to be doing exactly what I am doing right now.

Even after 15 blocks of jealousy.

Half my heart……….

We have been having a debate in our house.

A TEXAS SIZED dilemma…

You see…

I am a Texan.

I was born and raised a Texan.

1/2 my heart lives in Texas…still today.

I came to Florida when I was 19.

So young….I really just wanted to go to the beach.

And I LOVE IT…

I live in an amazing town and live a JOY filled life.

But…

I am a TEXAN.

Make no mistake about it.

And if there is one thing Texans are…it is proud.

As I have grown up…this has GROWN in me.

Now..at 35-

I love everything “Texas”…

the 1000 degree summers

the bluebonnets

the dear leases

the line dances

the country cookin’

the wide open spaces

the Whataburger

the cows

the 2 steppin’

the big cities

the small towns

the rodeos

the cowboys

the chemical plants

the ship channel

but mostly…

I love the HEARTBEAT of Texas.

The family and friends that GREW me.

It is what brings me back over and over.

I

Love

Texas.

So you can imagine how proud I was when I heard about THIS conversation when Jay was explaining the kids heritage to them:

Jay:  You guys know my family is Italian.  My family came to the United States from Italy.  So you are 1/2 Italian.

Shasha:  So we’re 1/2 Italian and 1/2 Texan!!!!

Yes, child….you are.

LOL.

Jay tries to argue.

He says something about “Texas not being a country”.

He just doesn’t “get it”.

I guess my TEXAS LOVE is rubbing off!!!

Now …..to teach them that “Deep in the Heart of Texas” is our National Anthem.

Hahahah

Back in the saddle…..

I’m BACK….

We’ll….I’m trying to be.

I spent the last month or so really IN my life.

Sometimes I get really lost in all the “extras”.

Facebook

My blog

My cell phone

You know…all the things that tend to pull us slowly away from  REAL LIFE.

The things that creep in and steal your time…those are the things that keep us from really being EMMERSED in our lives.

Those are the things that keep me 1/2 in moments that I should be ALL in for.

It was a nice break…and it really gave me a chance to reevaluate what I wanted to accomplish thru those outlets.

This is what I came up with:

I love my Facebook…all my friends are in there.  It is where I keep in touch with old friends and even make some new friends.

And

I love my blog.

I really do.

But…..

I have never felt more pressured by a non-existent deadline in my life.

There is no one telling me what to write

or

when to write.

But sometimes…I just don’t feel like it.

I just don’t feel like “thinking deeply” about anything.I really feel like my DAILY life takes every bit of  “creativity” I have.

I mean….I have 2 pre-teens

and

an overly emotional 9 year old

and

a 7yr old is going on 15.

My day can be pretty long and exhausting.  It seems to be a never-ending stream of  long talks and breaking up arguments.

Kind of like a carnival ride…

that

never

stops.

But I also know that one day….I will be so proud of the fact that I have kept this amazing journal of our lives.   It is something that really means a lot to me.  Something I have been working on for a VERY LONG TIME.

So…..In the end I decided that :

1.  It was a nice break from the norm to NOT write and feel pressured by an imaginary boss waiting on his “next story”.

2. I am BACK!!!  I am going to make an effort starting today to keep up with this daily journal and blog.