1/2 as strong….

We’ll….

After 10 days of “holding down the fort” when Jay was on tour- I have 1 thing to say:

THAT is entirely  too much work for 1 person.

4 kids

3 dogs

3 cats

5 guinea pigs

7 chickens

3 fish

and

a WHOLE homestead to take care of.

NO THANK YOU!!!

Give me my hard-working husband and best friend please.

Every time he goes away I start out telling myself the same things.

The exact same tape rolls in my head…every time.

“You can do this.  This is a test that you have come up against.  You can take care of it all.  You are strong.  This will make you a stronger woman.’

Then…about day 3, somewhere between cleaning out the chicken coop and taking out LOADS of trash- this is the tape that TAUNTS me:

“Screw this. I don’t need to freakin’ learn a lesson.  I DO appreciate my life.  I KNOW how good I have it.  Screw women’s lib.  I need my HUSBAND!!!!”

LOL.

And then for the remaining 7 days all I do is get more and more “down”.

In his absence I feel alone.

I know that isn’t a popular thing to say, but …

it

is

true.

I know I have my kids, and I LOVE them with every breathe of my being.

I love being with them…mostly.

But..let’s be real….there are 4 of them.

4

And 4 is a lot.  I don’t believe that God designed us to do the work it takes to raise 4 kids alone.

No way.

Never.

Besides the fact that it is too much work….

I am not myself without him.

I am part of him and he is part of me.

Life is different….less vibrant, when he is gone.

I know this before he is leaves…but it is soooo PRONOUNCED after he leaves.

Not a popular view in a world where being co-dependent is frowned upon.

I don’t care.  It scares me to the core every time.

I am not gonna lie.  It makes me love him more intensely, more whole heartedly…just MORE.

It makes me thankful that I am married to my best friend and soul mate.

The road to where we are today…was long.

But we are strong together and 1/2 as strong apart.

No getting around it.

1/2 as strong.

The other side of 10 days….

 

It’s THAT time again….

the bags are packed,

the clothes are on the bed,

Daddy is headed out on tour for 10 days.

It’s not a lifetime, I know.

But…

10 days + 4 kids+ the end of summer+ homeschool planning = one crazy mom

I hear all the time, “I don’t know how you do it.. It has to be hard for you when he leaves!!!!.”

And the TRUTH is:

It is hard.

I hate it every time.

I get jealous because he gets to travel.

I get mad because I have to stay home and “deal with everything'”.

I get frustrated and pout.

I pick arguments and then apologize.

It isn’t pretty.

THAT is the TRUTH.

But you know what it ALSO the TRUTH:

I love that about him.

I love that he HAS TO GO.

I love that he has passion.

I love that he still dreams big…at almost 40.

I love that HIS way of making up for it is doing ALL.THE.LAUNDRY. before he goes.

I also love that he also PUTS.IT.ALL.UP. before he goes.

I love that for the 2 days before he leaves he lets me “go on strike” and lay in bed and watch BostonMed while he takes care of EVERYTHING.

I love that he makes sure we have everything we need.

I love him.

And every time they go I look at it like an opportunity…

FOR ME.

I have the opportunity to RISE and prove once again …to myself, that I am STRONG.

I can do it all.

I don’t want to.

But

I

can.

I can be strong and send him off with a kiss and a smile.

Because …

the TRUTH is.

It is part of what makes us strong.

It is part of what we are CALLED TO DO.

I know that God would not call me to something I wasn’t supposed to do.  I trust that there are things and lessons that I have to learn…without my husband.

I trust that on the other side of 10 days I will be strengthened and renewed….

just in time to RUN OUT THE DOOR when he gets back.

Because strong and SANE are 2 different things.

Let’s not get it twisted.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

If you want to see where I –Vibes is going…check Here.

Check these out…..Making these this week

If you have girls…..show them these- so cute for back to school.

Boys…Maybe THIS is more their style.

Also making a ton of THESE.

Fun Finds……

 

If you have boys…you will LOVE these pics.

We have broken this book out again…Fall Garden – here we come.

Want to do something GREAT today??? PLAY this game.

Almost time for school 2012-2013….Here we come.

I am SOOOOOOO  using this for typing this year.

These might change your life.

If you have a daughter…learn to do some of  THESE and you will be BFF’s forever.

Calgon…take me HERE!!!!!

A deafening silence…….

 

It is no secret that I have been struggling lately.

I have to admit…I was pretty good at being the Mother of young kids.  I felt like I had myself in a pretty  good system.

Feed.

Change.

Bathe.

Play.

Repeat.

I had it down.

Easy Peasy.

Then…

it. happened.

They started to grow up.  They started to grown into who they ARE.

I feel like I have come upon this part of parenting relatively quickly…in slow motion.

I am unprepared and NOT READY.

Let’s just say that I am LESS THAN ENTHUSED about the prospect of these little chicks of mine someday “flying the coop”.

It has been a HARD TRANSITION for me lately.

I have figured out as I walk this road that I am utterly unprepared and prefer to live in denial.

This is not happening.

This is not happening.

This is not happening.

But it is.

I have proof.

My once talkative first born Zeek has been DEAFENINGLY SILENT these days.  A silence that is only LOUD to me.  So loud that I cant take it.  It makes me want to crawl into his mind and just sit for a while.  I want to see WHAT HE IS THINKING.

He is almost 12….”they” tell me it is “normal”.

What I am realizing about Zeek at THIS AGE is that he really is starting to grow into himself.  He is more like an adult. Weird. 

He gets annoyed at the same things that we do.  Like when Malachi and Sheba  someone is just making “unnecessary noise” and being annoying kids.

Or

He can just ride in the car and NOT TALK.  In a strange teenage silence.  He can just think and enjoy the ride.

All of which I find myself fighting.

I find myself unsure HOW TO DEAL.

I want him to have time to himself but I don’t want him to pull away.  It is a strange dance we do.  A push and pull.

I have done everything to try and MAKE him talk.

When he was mad one time, I MIGHT have crawled in his bed and refused to leave until he rolled over and talked to me.

I’m just saying…I MIGHT HAVE.

No biggie….Until Jay found me and all but tore me from the top bunk of Zeeks bed.  I THINK he said something about how this wasn’t “the way” to go about it, how this wasn’t going to work with a 11 year old boy…yada yada.  All I heard was silence.

It

was

deafening.

I wanted my talkative little boy back.   The one couldn’t help me mow the grass or get something from the top shelf for me.

I wanted him.

Sweet thing that would talk my ear off.

I was bound and determined to make it happen.

I would crack his code.

I would find his “IN”.

It was my mission.

Then it happened….

I saw my chance.

He was alone and silent…of course.

He was immersed in LEGOS.  He is kind of obsessed actually.

I found him like this….where we sat for about 45 min.

I asked him about what he was building.

He told me all about each piece and what it did and how to make what I was building “better”.

 

(That is my square building above)  LOL..

You can see that I was way more interested in the fact that he was talking….than what I was building.

He built and built and talked and talked.

I sat and listened.

And loved every single minute of it.

It is a true blessing to get to know him and his sweet, endearing soul.

 

On redemption and nail polish.

Who knew that painting nails could be such a CLEVER way for GOD to help  us grow?

Not me….

But this is the thing…

Shasha  is a bit obsessed.

Like 50 nail polishes, all the right fingernail file tools, the fingernail polish remover that you swish your finger in and Viola!!…polish removed!!!

She even lets me know DAYS ahead of time when she is going to run out of remover.

Her obsession has even earned a big part of her board on Pinterest!!

This is a 9 year old girl who grows out her nails so that she can TRY all the cool polish ideas she sees. LOL

All that is wonderful and creative and fun…..

But what has really struck me lately is that it has really turned into a lesson in…

REDEMPTION.

You see….ths child is not blessed with a particularly high self esteem.  We have spent many hours talking about how everyone is GREAT at..

their

own

thing.

We are all different and CAN NOT all be great at drawing or awesome at painting(which she is).  Sometimes we have ppy for our brother or sister because THEY have a talent…then move on.

We have to find something that helps us FEEL CONFIDENT and that we enjoy doing….and then practice at it.

Sometimes we just have to find our niche.

A couple of weeks ago I found Shasha in the schoolroom on Pinterest.  She had found a tutorial on marbelized nails and had taught herself how to do it.

So cool.

Over the next couple of weeks I watched her paint and REPAINT her nails so many times that soon it hit me…

This is her thing…

that thing that can build confidence and also teach her about PERSISTENCE and NOT GIVING UP.

She would come in and say, “Mom!!! I messed them u again.  I can’t do it.   Ill never be able to do it right!”

Which is a perfect time to teach her about those things you can only learn thru experience.

Sometimes…Only thru trying something many times and failing…do you learn the right way to do something so that the end result is JUST.WHAT. YOU. WANTED.

Redemption…..in many colors.

The season of ME……

Last night at work I sat and listened to two of my friends talk about the yoga classes they liked the best,  what times the classes were and how GREAT they felt afterwards.

As I listened to them I envisioned a time in my life when I could GET TO my favorite classes with my favorite people.

I would love to do sun salutations each and every morning with them….instead I pop in every couple of months for a few days to say hello to my mat and sweaty friends. 

Mainly to remind myself that I still CAN do a zillion downward dogs and planks.

I would LOVE to make it to ballet every Monday and Thursday like I had intended….some of my favorite people are there.  Instead I run in every once in a while and try to act like I have a CLUE what I am doing. 

Which mainly means making fun of myself the entire time….while trying to grand plié 1000 times without my knees cracking.  LOL.

I used to fight it and make plans every week to …DO BETTER.

Then every time my LIFE got in the way ….I would beat myself up.

And as I listened to my friends last night I realized….

I am resigned to the fact that ONE DAY…I will come first.

Today is not that day.

Today I will come last on my list.

I am ok with that.

I

made

that

choice.

I made the decision to have a big family that requires ALL of my time at this point.

I wouldn’t change it. Ever.

I am knee deep in hormones and eye-rolls, tiny bras and stomping feet, painted nails and sibling rivalry.  I am struggling with mourning friendships and trying to keep my heart from hardening.

My life at THIS POINT requires my time and devotion.

I want to be present for every moment.

I think it is wonderful when a Mom can devote some time to herself everyday. I don’t know 1, by the way. But, I think it is a wonderful idea.

As for me…

I cant. I try. I fail.

Just being REAL.

I am hopelessly devoted to my family and know in my heart that THIS

IS

WHERE

I

AM

NEEDED

RIGHT

NOW.

All that said….I have confidence that the hat I wear today will change tomorrow.  As my children grow into themselves…my life will change. 

Until then….

As I referee arguments I will dream of the painting classes …I will take at the Art association in 20 years.

As I wash another load of dirty clothes… I will daydream of the yoga I will do every morning at sunrise.

As I teach the kids their spelling words and put band-aids on their cuts I will allow my mind to drift to a season in  my life in the future when my children are grown and I can take as many classes and read as many books as I please.

As I run the kids to THEIR ballet classes and football games…I will try and remember that in life there are seasons.

As for right now….I know where I am and I love it.

I figure my season will come….eventually.

It makes me  wonder who I will be…in the season of ME.

A Little Big Life.

Sometimes in life there are times when I don’t want to…

ANYTHING.

There are times when I just need to escape the four walls that are closing in on me and surrender to the bigger picture.

Those  days when thankfulness escapes me and joy is hard to find.

Those days.

The undeniably hard ones.

Those are the days that I am learning that feelings can drown me and life is BIG.

B.I.G.

Big.

Too big to wrap my mind around. 

Too many feelings and too much struggle….for me.

I am learning that there is ONE SURE CURE….

Nature.

Fresh Air.

Wind.

Salt.

Heat.

It is because “out there” I am forced to take my eyes off things that are merely 3 feet in front of me.

I am forced to take in LIFE thru nature that I can’t thru my 4 walls…

And sometimes…………

A bigger world picture is all we need.

Realizing that our problems are small, no matter how big….is HUGE.

It is only when I remember that I am a mere piece of the puzzle that life is put into perspective.

It is only when my WORLD VIEW is distorted that I find faults.

BUT…

When I remember that I am small in this BIG picture,

when I remember that I am blessed beyond words,

when I remember that I CAN choose to seep LOVE,

THAT is when my sense of perspective changes .

That is when I WANT to do…………..

EVERYTHING.

Because..

My life is a small speck of a blessing in a long line of lifetimes.

Small

and

Big

at

the

same

time.

A little, big life.

So…This weekend, that is what we did.

When we started feeling frustrated and overwhelmed…

We got out.

We explored.

We celebrated our “little, big life”.