The right track….

 

I’m a worrier….

I know it contradicts with my “chilled out” lifestyle.  (Or what SOME PERCIEVE as my “chilled out lifestyle”)

What can I say???   Old habits die hard.

I can’t help it…

I worry.

I fret.

I fear.

When I was younger….I had NO FEAR.

I did things that MOST people wouldn’t dream of.

Some good things…mostly- not so good things.

All because of a lack of FEAR in my life.

A lack AWARENESS that …in life – FEAR can keep you in check.

FEAR of consequences.

FEAR of what happens when you have NO FEAR.

It’s healthy….As long as you USE it to motivate you. (that’s what I tell myself, anyway.)

In my life …FEAR sneaks in when I waste too much time thinking  about-

raising my kids

who they will BE

teaching them

training them

educating them

I fear it all.

But mostly…

I

fear

if

what

I

am

doing

is

ENOUGH????

Are the lessons that I am teaching them going to prepare them for LIFE?

Am I doing a good enough job teaching them about what is REAL and IMPORTANT in life???

Is the example we, as parents, are setting GOOD ENOUGH?

Then….

there are times when I am GRANTED a small blessing.

A gift of insight…

Like tonight….I was babysitting a friends baby(11 months).  She had never stayed with us before, so she was a bit “timid” at first.  She went from kid to kid and back to me again.  She was tired, but would. not. let. go.

All the kids took a swing at sitting with her and walking her around.

Bless their hearts…they all tried.

She.

wasn’t.

having.

it.

She was going to FUSS about it.

I mean…that is what they do.

But…I’ve done this a time or 10,637.  I knew that she would eventually wear herself out and go to sleep.  The fussing doesn’t bother me.

It did bother ZEEK.  He came out of his room, where he was watching “The Mummy”.  Do you KNOW how hard it is to get a 12 year old boy to pull himself away from an action movie????

The fact that he came out of his ROOM because she was crying said enough.

That baby was pulling on his heart strings.

And let’s face it ….he is NO STRANGER to babies.

His Dad is the “baby whisperer”.

No really.

Anyway….

Then he did something amazing.

He said, “Give her to me Mom.  I’ll walk her around.  I think she is just fighting sleep.”

I smiled and my heart melted.

Then for about 45 min….

He walked her around.

He bounced her.

He fed her a bottle.

He rocked her.

He was patient and kind and he put her to sleep.

And as I was watching this I was blessed with a thought..

It occurred to me that I didn’t need to FEAR so much in my life now.

I don’t need to WONDER…

are we doing enough?

how will they “turn out”?

I had proof standing in front of me that I was doing SOMETHING right.

I have a 12 year old son that is -

patient enough..

compassionate enough..

unselfish enough..

and

LOVES enough…

to put a baby he barely knows to sleep, without being asked.

I’d say were on the right track………..

Many hands make light work…Maybe.

 

For the last few years I have been Jay’s sounding board.

You see…He likes to TALK. 

Don’t get too excited.  He is far from a roses and “sweet nothings” kind of guy.

DOING is his love language….not flowers or cards.

When I say, “he likes to talk", I mean LITERALLY.

Specifically he likes to talk about PLANS and DREAMS for the house and the property.

He likes to walk around the yard and discuss…in detail, what he wants to do HERE…or THERE.

Don’t get me wrong….I LOVE to listen.

No- really…I do.

But this man of mine….he dreams BIG.

His ideas unfold into LONG WALKS…sometimes its basically just LAPS around the acre we have. 

And I can appreciate that.  I LOVE that about him.

It’s just HARD for me.  I guess I think more on the “step-by-step, moment-by moment” level.  It’s really hard for me to SEE it.  Maybe because essentially I am flawed in some ways.  It always seems like '”a lot” to me to “see”. 

It seems HEAVY.  Just the” idea” of the plans makes me tired.

Maybe it is…

the dishes in the sink.

the laundry pile on the floor.

the dust in the living room.

the front porch that needs to be swept.

the spelling words that need to be planed.

the seeds that need to get in the dirt.

the schoolroom that needs to be cleaned.

the rabbit cage that needs to be fixed.

Maybe it’s the EDUCATING OF 4 KIDS????

I don’t know…

It has always just been  an inner struggle for me to walk around the yard and plan the BIG things.

There is always a PULL to get back to the “daily” stuff that needs to be done.  It just makes me feel overwhelmed.

So…I have always TRIED to walk with him…to listen to him.

I want him to feel HEARD.  Because in the end….

He makes shit HAPPEN.

He gets it done.

every.time.

But…

it

is

exhausting

for

me

mentally.

I guess I just compartmentalize it as …”not my department”.

I know….so “independent” of me. But…that is easier for me. Lighter.

So The other day….I noticed something that was like MUSIC to my tired ears.

I heard Jay and ZEEK walking around the house….talking about their PLANS and DREAMS for the bathroom they had just GUTTED.

The sinks would be here.

The “new to us” garden tub would be here.

The toilet was moving to over here.

And pretty sure I heard something about making the toilet closet look like a old wooden outhouse. (Swoon!!!!)

Um…Yes, please!!!!

It was so LIBERATING.

It felt so AWESOME that Zeek had taken some of my weight.

He had made my walk lighter….without even knowing it.

AMAZING!!!

Maybe this whole “growing up” thing has a silver lining to it…

Maybe.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Just….Next to him.

We are an affectionate family.

Scratch that….

We are an EXTREMELY affectionate family.

We never let them “cry it out”….

We aren’t especially strict…

We always let them sleep in our beds…even today..

We give away TONS AND TONS of hugs and kisses.

And I guess as a Mom…I see us as a family that will always kiss and hug…A LOT.  Which is a no brainer when you have little kids….they crave affection and almost HANG on you.

But…

sometimes things change as they get older.

(Damn you, Time!!!)

About 6 months ago when I would go to kiss Zeek on the lips, he would turn his cheek.

Shudder…I know.

After a few times of this happening, I. had. to.say.something.

I HAD to explain that THIS… was not going down like THAT.

I had to explain that even GROWN ASS MEN kiss their Mama’s.

I am pretty sure I said something about birthing him, and labor, and that I had earned kisses for ETERNITY.

Yadda Yadda.  LOL.

I even called Jay in to set. him. straight.

After that…he was cool.

He is always super sweet and loving….

but as a “pre-teen”…I am learning that the best thing I can do is:

BE

AVAILABLE

and

DON’T

ASK.

Stand next to him, sit close to him, walk with him, LISTEN to him.

Just BE THERE.

It is in THESE times that he opens up fully.

And SOMETIMES,when I am REALLY lucky….when  I walk with him, he gently laces his fingers in mine.

I don’t say a word…..I just smile and keep walking.

Cherishing every single minute.

In life’s “weeds”……

The “weeds”….

that’s what we call it when we get REALLY busy waiting on tables.

You know….running your ass off trying to…

please everyone at once

AND

get everything done

AND

not forget ONE THING.

Yeah…

That. is. my. life. right. now.

I've said it before …..life was MUCH easier when all I had to do to make someone happy was…

put a boob in their mouth.

But…

Gone are those days.

Now we are in the “weeds” with emerging hormones, school, dance(x6 days a week) ju-jit-zu(x2 days a week), PRE-MS,  changing voices,slight  behavior issues, feeding 4 GROWING kids,  sibling rivalry, adjusting to a new schedule and those are just THEIR issues.

Don’t get me started on MY ISSUES:

still broken

still learning

still praying

still surviving

thru PARENTHOOD.

Life is a crazy journey.

Sometimes I have time to write about it

and

sometimes I don’t.

Bare with me…..

I’m just doing some “landscaping".