Sandpaper….and life.

Maybe I used to live a life that SEEPED with guilt and unhappiness ….

Maybe I did things that you would NEVER believe……..

Maybe the person I was is a MILLION miles from  the person I AM…..

Maybe it feels like I have stolen memories  from a faraway land….

Maybe as I have gotten older I have realized that THOSE things make me who I am today….

and at the same time….

they

don’t.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we were “discussing” someone we both “know”.  She was talking about all the things that this girl had done to make my friend not like her.

It was a string of things.

A list.

A long list.

One of the things she said was something about something she had done at 17.   The girl is 26 or so now.

It really struck me in that moment.

Jeez…I hope people don’t judge me by the things I did when I was 17.

Whoa…..there were a lot of “things” I did I am not proud of.

And for the most part…I don’t know why I did them.

I didn’t come from a terrible background…I had parents who loved me.  I went to a good school.  I was popular.  I had friends.

I

had

a

great

life.

But for some reason……I was unhappy.  I was aching.

At the time it never made sense to me.

Well….Actually-  I never thought about it.

It never crossed my mind at 17 to THINK about why I was doing what I was doing.

When I think about it now…

it

seems

so

clear.

I wanted to rebel….against SOMETHING.

It was my rebel soul stirring. preparing me.

I wanted to rebel against myself, my parents, my friends, but MOSTLY…my all American life.  You know the one everyone dreams of??? 

The life where ….

I live in not 1 but 2 NICE houses, I had a car, loving, devoted parents, a nice school, family and friends.

But still……..

I wanted to FEEL rebellious.

That neat, tidy life didn’t “fit” me very well.  I wanted it to.  I put up a good front.   I wore a pretty mask.  But…it. didn’t. fit.

NOW….

I understand now that it was just me struggling thru the corners and tunnels of soul.  Without even knowing it.  I was strengthening myself for THIS LIFE.

I was a rebel in training.

All that rebelling was preparing me for the biggest act of rebellion of all….

Following God and walking IN my faith.

Which is a TOTALLY rebellious thing to do these days.

That life was like SANDPAPER for my soul.

Fine grit sandpaper. 

It made me WHO I AM.

That struggle defined me.

That struggle MADE me. 

Because after all that debauchery and fun, after all that “rebelling” ...

the true test was when God truly came into my life.

The true test would be finding a balance in my life between who I was and who I was becoming.

And little did I know….all that rebellion and “living”  was exactly what I needed to get back to the core of  myself.

Back to the “I-n-I”.

That life made me realize that true rebellion happens on the inside…

it happens when….

you LIVE your life to the fullest,

when you stand in your faith,

when you shine your light,

and

when you help others find theirs.

That is the essence or rebellion.

Sometimes its fine grit and sometimes it is rough grit.

But it is really the GRIT that matters.

As I write this today…I am eternally grateful for that life because as hard as it was…..

It made me.

Deep.

I ran a bath and told the kids to read for 30 min and I set a timer.

I settled in with some parenting book that I brought in with me.

I figured I had 30 min to myself…well, 20 if I was lucky.

Kids….I sat thinking about how life was strange.

How did I get to THIS point in my life?

How did I get to a point where I have a bunch of kids that are growing literally in front of me.

How?

When?

WHY?

Why does it feel like days slip thru my fingers like sand while I desperately try and grasp them before they slip away?

Why does it feel like things are changing so fast that I am having a hard time “keeping up”?

Then I heard something…something. different.

I turned off the bathwater and listened carefully….

Someone was talking.

It wasn’t the kids.

It was a man…..in the house?

My heart started racing…..

I quickly jumped out of the bath and wrapped up in a towel.

I ran, still wet into the hallway and stuck my head into the living room….

all the kids looked up startled.

“What’s wrong Mom?  Why did you get out of the bath?” said Shasha.

I looked around the room confused.

I know I heard a MAN.

“I thought I heard someone talking….like a MANS voice.”

They all looked at each other and shrugged.

Then Zeek said , in a strikingly deep voice that I swear he didn’t have when I went into the BATH, “It was me Mom.  I was the only one talking.”

I stood there for a minute in total confusion.

That couldn’t have been Zeek…it was a MANS voice.

I looked again…..nope, he was the only one there.

It was happening….we were changing.  Right. before. my. eyes.

I slowly walked back to the bath a little more AWARE of just how quickly the sand is actually falling thru my fingers.

and

a little bit more desperate to keep days from slipping away.