Progress.....

It happens every year....right about this time.
My focus drifts.
My doubts stir.
My mind starts to wander.

Did we DO enough math?
Baking counts as Home EC right?
Does walking around downtown count as a field trip? really?
Should I have read more to them?
Did we get in enough writing?
Science experiments we can be made up in the summer...right?
essentially...
What I am trying to wrap my head around is....
Are they "smart enough"?
Did we make progress?
Is it ENOUGH?
Which can quickly spiral into ...
"Am I enough?" followed by "Who am I kidding? I'm not smart enough to DO this!!!"

I know.
Don't judge.
I'm giving you a window here...LOL.

I try and reassure myself that:
1. I AM SMART ENOUGH.
2. I AM ENOUGH.
and
3. I CAN do this.

But the reality is....
I doubt. I stew. I lose sleep. I WORRY...ALOT.
I want to be the kind of homeschool mom  who is completely confident and has her shit together.
Sometimes I do.
But...lots of times..
I don't.
Lots of times those positive posts on facebook are directed TO me...from ME.
Trust me....the battle I fight inside my self is constant.
I figure that's what saves me.   If I worry and stress about how good of a job I'm doing...I MUST be doing it right. Right?

So I spend days and nights praying that it was enough.
Praying that this year...we made progress.
Praying that were better off than where we started.
That's what I want.
Progress.

And that's usually when it happens....
Life throws me a sign.
A glimmer of hope that it was a success.

This year it was when I walked into the room and Zeek was doing a FLVS(Fl.Virtual school ) collaborative lesson.
They have to do these 2 times a year.  They get on with their teacher and a bunch of students and have a virtual lesson...where they type and speak to one another.  Answer questions, etc.
Its all very Jetsons to me...but we're there.
They were learning how to write and an argumentative essay.
They had to choose a side of and issue and write a paper arguing WHY their side was right, using research, quotes, stats, etc.
The issue was......
Should kids be made to volunteer in their community in order to graduate?

So I walked into the room and Zeek has his arms crossed and isn't typing when everyone else in the "chatroom" is.
"Why aren't you typing? aren't you supposed to be typing and participating?" I said to him.
He looked at me and said, "Not right now.  All these people think that you SHOULDN'T have to volunteer in order to graduate.  I'm not typing because I'm the ONLY one who doesn't think that."

I love him.

Then I stood there and listened as the students one by one came on the microphone and spoke about the fact that kids shouldn't be forced to do things they don't want to do, they should do things that come from THEIR heart...not because they are being MADE to.

I heard a kid say that those things aren't important to getting a job and being in the "real world".

Some one said that getting an education and getting SMART was a kids job...not helping people who wont help themselves.
Blah Blah Blah.


WOW.
What a world.

And there Zeek STOOD.....arms crossed and not typing.

He stood on the other side.....the RIGHT side.

His chart was filled with reasons that you SHOULD be made to volunteer before graduating.

he said ...
"Helping people  makes the world a better place."
"Volunteering helps you see how good you have it in your life."
"Teenagers have a lot of energy and they need to use it doing something good."

WOW.
What a world indeed.

An education of the heart is as important, if not more...as an education of the mind.

And that my friends....is PROGRESS.
Progress enough for me.

At that moment...
My eyes filled with tears and the doubt ran down my cheeks.

I stood there behind him and knew we were fine.
We passed.

On the inside....

I found her in the living room silently crying.
Her tears were evidence that what she thought she would be "fine" with...she wasn't.
You see...sometimes things are easier to wrap your mind around when they are far away.
Sometimes......we convince ourselves of things that we know aren't true.
Its easy to do that...
out
of
sight
out
of
mind.
In this situation..that is exactly what we did...
This is what happened:
Every year our dance team performs at Disneyworld.
They become "honorary cast members" for the day.
It is an amazing experience that they all cherish.
They get to perform on the stage one day and they get to visit one of the parks on another day.
So so cool.
Well....
Early on in the year we were told what the dates for our performance were.
Ugh...
it was  AFTER our passes expired.
Panic started to set in.
We were not going to be able to afford it without those beloved Disney passes.
So ...in my mind...somewhere between the dance studio and the house I had worked up a very good argument..sorta.
I decided that I would toss the idea up there about NOT going with the team to the parks but just driving up on the day of the performance to Orlando, performing, and then simply driving home.
Sounds good right?
I had all my reasons:
*so expensive
*weve been to WDW a bunch of times
*the boys would die if we went without them
*it was easter weekend soooo...it would be crowded.
I mean...
 I had it all worked out.  It was going to be fine. She was going to be fine.  I was going to be fine.
HA! What a dummy I am. LOL!
We sat around the dinner table that night and I plead my case.
I explains all my reasons and she said YES!  I didn't get an "excited" yes...but it was a "yes".
OK...In my mind (HA!) all was well in my little home.
About 4 months came and went with little mention of the Disney trip...then:
THAT  morning came and everything seemed fine.
The birds were chirping, roosters were crowing, and again...all was well.....
Until I found her curled up on the couch with her ipod looking at instagram.
UGH. Instagram.
Her whole team was posting pics of themselves all cute and ...AT ANIMAL KINGDOM.
I mean....like jumping in the air, matching shirts,  so excited, super  cute...pictures.
And she was heartbroken.
And ...
so.
was.
I.
I wanted to take it back.  I wanted to change my mind.
DO OVER PLEASE!!!!
I sat next to her and apologized.
I was truly sorry.
Not because she didn't get to go to Disney.
We go to Disney.
But I was sorry because I had underestimated the importance of the TEAM part.
In making that choice for us in this situation....I had put her on the outside.
I had alienated her from her team.
It broke my heart that I, as the mom, had done that.
I should have known that making the choices I have made for my life have already put her ...on the outside of a lot of situations.
My choice In this was made because I failed to see the importance...
not the importance of DISNEY...but of walking thru the park hand in hand with your bestie.
not  the importance of roller coasters..but of running to look at the pictures of yourselves after the roller coaster.
THAT is where the importance is.
Its  being part of a GOOD TEAM that has turned into family.
Its feeling like you are on the INSIDE of something special.
Its in the memories that you take home with you.
Its  the feelings that you cant put a price tag on.