Between Now an the Future....

"Do you wanna walk outside with me???", that is how it starts.

He wants to walk and talk.
He wants me to hear his ideas....his plans, his visions for the future.
The wall that will be "here".
or
The greenhouse that will be "there".

So...Walking thru the backyard, I listen to his plans.

I feel the heat and the dirt between my toes...I saturate myself HERE.NOW.

Because THIS is no small feat....We DID this.

We He had a dream.
He said we could do it...I just followed.
If it were up to me- we would have rented forever.
Not because I wanted to...
but because I am a "NOW girl".It is hard for me to think too far ahead.I live in the NOW. HERE. Maybe it is because it is confusing to me. Maybe it is because my brain just doesn't work that way. But it is hard for me to think about mortgages and MATH (gag) when I have clothes to fold, mouths to feed, dance classes an football to get to AND SCHOOL to TEACH.
So all in all...THAT was the reason that I just couldn't SEE it.
I couldn't focus on it.

But HE did.
He KNEW all along .
He COULD see it.

From driveways to kids forts...his dreams are NEVER small.

I walk along beside him and relish in this life.
I listen to the sound of his voice as he carefully lays his plans.
I want to be saturated in THIS moment.
I want to remember THIS heat.THESE conversations.THAT song that he is singing as he walks and sings and talks.
And you never know what The future holds.
Because ..He. Dreams. Big.
Thank goodness....
because-
I am pretty sure I someone little needs something from me.
RIGHT NOW.
Here. Now. In THIS moment.

So...I walk and I give thanks that God put together 2 people who think DIFFERENTLY...But have learned to work so well together.

I love this life.
What a blessing each moment is.

Things I want to teach my kids....

* To be Grateful in life.
* Treat others as you want to be treated.
* Be true to themselves.
* Happiness is a choice.
* Living up to Gods expectations is ALL that is expected.
* I love them...no matter what.
* Wisdom is inside them.
* Doing the RIGHT thing is always easier.

The Tradewinds

For the first 10 years of my marriage...I didn't work.
Not for any money anyway.
I mean I had baby after baby.
I changed hundreds of diapers...
I nursed for 1000's of hours.
I cleaned many a toilet and spent "hard time" cleaning the floors.
I hardly left the house an watched MANY times as my husband and friends went to concert after concert while I stayed in.
I wiped nose after nose. An cleaned up puke more than I want to remember.
I wiped heiney's and potty trained 4 youth.
I cooked MANY meals( I say that loosely...I am not a very imaginative cook. Daddy does most of the cooking. Shhhhhhh. Don't judge. I do enough of that for myself.)
I wrote TONS of blogs an had all sorts of time to "sort-out-my-shit".
I educated my kids, and spent HOURS doing research on parenting and faith.
I read lots of books and formed many opinions in those years.
I truly believe that God used THOSE YEARS to shape an mold me.
I BECAME ME...in those years.
I learned WHO I was in that time.

An then, about a year and a half ago, I was offered a JOB.
You know, the kind that PAYS money.
It would mean being away from the family on Friday and Saturday nights...
but it would also mean less stress, and more time for Daddy to be home.
It would mean more money comming in an more money going out.
It was a blessing...and totally unexpected.
I knew it would help me get out of my comfort zone and jump right back into "the world".
I was so used to being with my kids and family.
I was safe and secure in my own world I had created for myself....
surrounded by babies, diapers, toys, books and LOVE.
THIS would be an adventure!!!

Because....this was no regular job.
THIS was a job as a cocktail waitress at Tradewinds Tropical Lounge in downtown St. Augustine.
It is known as the "Oldest Bar in the Oldest City".
To me...it is a mix of a honky tonk and "Roadhouse".
They ha ha the SAME BAND play Sunday thru Thursday nights for about 30 years!!!!
It has been there so long that Jimmy Buffett was FIRED from there and then went to the KEYS...and we all know the story from there.
Not EXACTLY where I would have THOUGHT my first job back in the REAL WORLD would be.
And NOT just because I never thought I would HAVE a paying job. LOL.
I have learned that .
I don't think ANYONE ever WANTS to go to work.
But...having a job at Tradewinds might be the BEST JOB ever,
AND
I have found that I say the same things at home to my KIDS as I do to my CUSTOMERS at WORK....

"Don't do THAT!! Are you SUPPOSED to put that THERE? Get down off the table, you might FALL! Pick THAT up. That dosen't go there! Are you serious???Go! You are not allowed in there!!!!"

So ..all in all...it has become as familiar as HOME to me.
A different family...but family all the same.





.

I heart Pinning!

Sometimes something comes along an CHANGES YOUR LIFE.

That is Pinterest for me.

This is what my To-Do list used to look like:

An that WHOLE spiral is FULL of them.
I make them for everything from school to kids appointments to blogging ideas.
I was a List making FOOL.

But now...
There is Pinterest an it has made my life SOOOOOOOOOOO much easier.

It is a virtual cork board..of sorts.
On their website it says:

"Pinterest lets you organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web. People use pinboards to plan their weddings, decorate their homes, and organize their favorite recipes.

Best of all, you can browse pinboards created by other people. Browsing pinboards is a fun way to discover new things and get inspiration from people who share your interests."

My boards include...
Homeschool(homeschool ideas)
We're Crafty(things to make)
Eye Candy(eye candy)
Sugar and Spice(Girls stuff)
Where the heart is(home ideas)
Rastafari

Food
Wordsmith(inspiring Words)
Just to name a FEW.

So you can see...it is a PLANNING GIRLS DREAM!!!

Go...
Run....
If you need an invite...leave me your email.

I promise you that you
WILL
NOT
BE
SORRY.

Happy Pinning!!!!!

Everyday is a GIFT...even in the "first-world".

Living a life full of EXTRAS is beautiful.

"Extras" are sometimes the things that make life easy...
like a car..when you know what it is like to WALK.
OR
the washing machine...when you know what it is like to wash clothes IN A BUCKET.
OR
Sometimes it is the freezer...because THAT means we don't have to CARRY our ice miles from the store.

I love those kinds of "extras" ...those are the "third-world" problems that are solved by living in the "first-world".

The other day my friend Heather posted a HILARIOUS video that describes EXACTLY what I am talking about when I say, "first-world" extras....Here it is:

(Before you watch this video...turn off the music player on the right column.)



I mean REALLy...this is
HOW
WE
LIVE...
Angry at the computer for taking too long...when it has been 7 seconds ALREADY.
Mad when the pantry is TOO FULL to fit the stuff we JUST BOUGHT....UUUGGHHH.
Bothered when the water they bring us at the RESTRAUNT...tastes "funny" because it isn't bottled....WAAAAA!!!
Irritated because we have to GO TO WORK....BLAH!

We are spoiled in ALL kinds of ways.
We live in a world FULL of FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.
We live in a place where we are "blissfully unaware"..which basically makes us UNAPPRECIATIVE and UNGRATEFUL.
We forget how lucky we are ...on a daily.
We manage to CONVINCE ourselves that LIFE for us is HARD.
BUT...It is NOT.
We are BLESSED...one reason being because we live in the FIRST-WORLD.
And we have to OPPORTUNITY to be IGNORANT to "third-world" problems.
We have to ABILITY to LOOK AWAY when we feel uncomfortable...
We change the channel when we want to be distracted.
It is THAT easy.
And we forget how UNIMAGINABLY BLESSED we really are.

Sometimes the secret to being TRULY HAPPY is realizing that..
Things could be so much worse.
Sometimes being happy is just that....BEING happy.
LIVING happily.
Being JOYFUL.
Living INTENTIONALY.
With the knowledge that our life is a GIFT.

The Secret.........

Jay an I met in 1998....an have been together pretty much since then.

That is 13 years...which by todays standards IS forever.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday...sometimes- it feels like an ETERNITY.

People ask me ALL THE TIME, "What is the secret to staying married SOOO long?".

My answer is ALWAYS ..."Letting things GO. Forgiveness."

And that is the HONEST TRUTH.

In a marriage you have to learn to DANCE TOGETHER.
In each relationship there is a certain way that 2 people "move" or compromise with each other. You either learn to dance TOGETHER...
or..
you step on each others toes CONSTANTLY.

Jason and I learned a long time ago that we were MEANT to do THIS dance.
To us...there is no other reason that God would have blessed us with 4 beautiful children and THIS life, if we were supposed to step on each others toes all the time.

And let's face it...
1. NEITHER of us is going ANYWHERE.
2. We are too CRAZY for anyone else. COLLECTIVELY.
3. I don't even have a BAG big enough to leave. LOL

Sometimes...it is ME who is needs to LET THINGS go.
AND THEN....
There are times when it is HIM who is put to the test.

Either way.....We have an uncanny ability to scream, yell, or fight...then we
LET
IT
GO....
And most of the time - we laugh about it later.

Which is EXACTLY what happened the other day when I was headed to a dental appointment for a tooth EXTRACTION!!! YIKES!

I had been to this office once before....1 week before.
But I have a terrible memory....which was not HELPED by what seemed like THOUSANDS of backroads.

My appointment was at 11.
It was 10:54...I called Jay at home and am sad to say our conversation went something like THIS:

"Jay...WHERE Am I?? I can't figure it out. I have no idea where I am. WHERE AM I????" I said in a paniced voice.

"I don't KNOW Jana. YOU are the one in the CAR."

Which of course was NOT RATIONAL to me. He KNOWS me. He knows how anxious I am about this freakin' tooth appointment.

"JASON!!!!! Just tell me where the dentist office is. JUST TELL ME."

Again, He said in a calm voice, as if THAT would calm me down, "Jana...YOU are the only one who has BEEN THERE. I have NOT. I have NO IDEA."

But...In my mind, He KNEW because I had told him where I had GONE- 1 week before, alone.

"Jason...You KNOW where I am TRYING to get. YOU KNOW. Was it THIS street???? (pause) JASON...WAS IT THIS STREET I AM ON RIGHT NOW?????" I said in a voice that sounded to me like Cruella D. Ville. LOL

An again, annoyingly calmly, he said, "Jana, I have NO IDEA WHERE YOU ARE. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW!!!!"

Then I turned the corner and there it was.
I had found it.
I have no idea how....but I was there.

So...I said, "Nevermind." and hung up the phone on him.

I know...I should get an award for "Wife of the Year".
I can hear my sister right now saying, "That is TERRIBLE Jana. Terrible." LOL.
At the time...I felt no guilt.
The ONLY feeling I had was FEAR. FEAR of the dentist.
And in the end all they did was x-ray the tooth and have me make another appointment.
"Sweet...all that for nothing.", I thought to myself as I walked out the door.

Then I remembered...
BEFORE the appointment.
I couldn't help but LAUGH on the way home....ALL the way home to be exact.
And the BEST PART was that I KNEW that when I walked in the door....I wouldn't HAVE
to say I am sorry.
I didn't NEED to because HE KNEW I was sorry.
He KNEW that I was stressed...It wasn't ABOUT HIM.
It was ABOUT me.
I KNEW that he DIDN'T NEED it.
And that was an AMAZING feeling.
KNOWING that we have learned OUR DANCE that well.
Knowing that I was ALREADY forgiven...
Before I even HUNG UP ON HIM.

I smiled as I pulled in the driveway and I laughed as I walked thru the door.
I walked up to him an said, "I'm sorry. I was just stressed."
He looked at me an smiled and said, "I know. I know YOU."
An we both laughed.
We hugged and moved onto the next CRAZY thing happening at THAT moment.
We didn't dwell.
We don't HOLD ONTO IT.
We let it go........
We forgive each other.
DAILY.
THAT is the secret...

"The Help"

As soon as we come near the end of the school year my mind starts to imagine the places I will go during the next couple of months.

I imagine places in the past, present, and future....all places that I will go with the help of a book.

I am delighted by the thought of reading something, ANYTHING besides NON-FICTION parenting or homeschooling books.
I am ready to get lost in something DIFFERENT.

I find myself roaming the fiction isles of the library for anything that looks interesting. Searching for something to take my mind off of school and all the heavy responsibilities that are attached to being ENTIRELY responsibile for my kids education.

Trust me...after 9 months of being SATURATED by lesson plans, cirriculum, late night blog reading, field trips, and flashcards...I need a mental vacation!!!

I need to think of SOMETHING besides school.

Just for a minute.

Last week I was given a book by my friend to get me started on my "mental vacation".



I started reading it THAT day and was immediately ENGROSSED...
I mean like I almost FORGOT I had kids.
Seriously...I think one day when they asked me for lunch, my answer was, "It's fend-for-yourself day."
Don't judge.
4th grade math was hard on me this year...I deserved a day(or 3).LOL.

It is an amazing tale of a group of 2 sets of women divided by nothing more than a color and an invisible line dictated by geography and history alone.

On "The Help" website it says:
"Twenty-two-year-old Skeeter has just returned home after graduating from Ole Miss. She may have a degree, but it is 1962, Mississippi, and her mother will not be happy till Skeeter has a ring on her finger. Skeeter would normally find solace with her beloved maid Constantine, the woman who raised her, but Constantine has disappeared and no one will tell Skeeter where she has gone.

Aibileen is a black maid, a wise, regal woman raising her seventeenth white child. Something has shifted inside her after the loss of her own son, who died while his bosses looked the other way. She is devoted to the little girl she looks after, though she knows both their hearts may be broken.

Minny, Aibileen's best friend, is short, fat, and perhaps the sassiest woman in Mississippi. She can cook like nobody's business, but she can't mind her tongue, so she's lost yet another job. Minny finally finds a position working for someone too new to town to know her reputation. But her new boss has secrets of her own.

Seemingly as different from one another as can be, these women will nonetheless come together for a clandestine project that will put them all at risk. And why? Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their town and their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed.

In pitch-perfect voices, Kathryn Stockett creates three extraordinary women whose determination to start a movement of their own forever changes a town, and the way women--mothers, daughters, caregivers, friends--view one another. A deeply moving novel filled with poignancy, humor, and hope, The Help is a timeless and universal story about the lines we abide by, and the ones we don't."

This book has a way of putting you DEEP in the lives of these women.
It made me feel grateful that times have SOMEWHAT changes and tolerance is the "new black".
In these times...it is NOW more acceptable to LOVE one another...no matter the shade of their skin.
It made me really think about the fact that there are and will ALWAYS be rebels. The "true-at-heart" who cannot just sit back and LET THINGS HAPPEN.
THAT makes me feel blessed...to know that there have always been those who ROSE to "higher heights"...no matter the struggle.

It was an amazing book that you should RUN and buy...
or- ask a friend ...I bet you know someone who has a copy!!!
Happy Summer Reading!

Taming a lion cub.....

If I have said it once..I have said it 1000 times.

Malachi is a WILD ONE.
He could be described sometimes as UNTAMED.
A little untamed, wild...LOVING cub.

He tends to bounce ...not walk.
He loves to yell....not talk.

It is all I can do to keep him contained.
Sometimes just keeping him ALIVE is a full time job.
Just keeping him from RUINING his little body before he turns 8 has been a STRUGGLE.

And THAT is just his body....
his mind and soul are a WHOLE SEPARATE battle.

It is something that you fight for with all kids.
But...
Some are more easily trained than others.

Some easily go along with the flow, quietyly doing what you have asked....
Some OTHERS....have a harder time settling down. They have a hard time FOLLOWING directions and LISTENING....


Malachi tends to be excited and he has TONS of energy....ALL THE TIME.
Like enough energy to run me RAGGED, quickly.

He tends to have a problem with his TONE, and his ACTIONS..

At the begenning of the summer I declared that we wouldn't be doing our traditional bible study this summer....we would be doing something a little MORE INTERNAL.

We were going to spend the summer doing the messy work that sometimes gets neglected. We were all going to work on the things inside each one of us that seem "yucky".

I want them to see that life IS and will ALWAYS be a continual battle for righteousness. We make CHOICES everyday that determine WHO WE ARE.

Even at the young ages of 10,8,7,and 5....they can rule their destinies.
They determine their life....by their choices.
EVERYDAY.
It never ends,
you cannot rest.

It is a battle, after all.

I have tried to get them to undersatand that they are children of GOD...but the devil likes to SNEAK IN.
And, because he is WICKED....he is deceptive and cunning.
He preys on the minds of the youth...because they are easiest.
They are the MOST vulnerable.
They are the most CAREFREE.
They are the most "UNTAMED".

So lately, we have all been working on our "issues"....and trust me THAT is a FULL TIME JOB that requires 1.)tons of patience and 2.)a QUICK mind.

Malachi has a tendency to use his hands as a first reaction...instead of his words.
So... THAT is what we are working on.

I want him to be in control of his REACTION to things.
I want his FIRST reaction to be a righteous one.

This summer we have had lots of "talks" about his soul, his mind, and about God and how he SAYS we should act.

It has really been a blessing to reason with his little mind and watch him grow.

The other day he came into my room and said, "Mom, I have been acting good lately right?" as he hugged me.

I looked at his sweet little face and said, "Yes Malachi you have. Doesn't it feel GOOD to do the right thing? Doesn't it feel better than doing the WRONG thing?Can you feel it in your heart?"

He shook his head YES enthusiasticly.

"Everyday we have a choice...We can choose WHO we let in our hearts. We can choose God and feel GOOD...OR- we can choose to let the devil in and feel GROSS. But Malachi....WE HAVE THE CHOICE."

He lookad at me straight in the eyes and said, "I Know, Mom".
And he hugged and kissed me....
then he RAN off.

What a sweet moment in time...A moment that let me see that my WILD CHILD, just might be a little less WILD and a little more TAMED.

That SMELL..........

I will never understand pop culture.
As a child of "middle america" I have been trained to PAY ATTENTION.
I had become accustomed to the "smoke and mirrors" of what society expects from a young girl.
I had always felt a tinge of disgust fester...but didn't know where that really came from.
But-It was there.
I wasn't sure WHY, but-
I knew that I didn't "fit" the mold .
What I didnt REALIZE was that....NOONE DOES!!! EVER!

So as a parent I have TRIED to sheild my children(especially girls) from the FALSE IDEAS that seem to unknowingly get PLANTED in a young girls mind.
I said I have tried.
I have tried to get them to REALIZE that they are beautiful.
No matter how curly their hair is.
No matter how hairy their legs are.
No matter what size their waist is.

They
are
beautiful.
This is not a lie.


But, other peoples opinions and society have a funny way of "creeping in".
Like smoke from a wildfire...sometimes you can't SEE it..but it is there.
You can SMELL IT.
And sometimes you can just get so USED to the smell that you DON'T smell it anymore.

THAT is what I am fighting.

I dont want to become so IMMUNE to the "smoke" that it seems NORMAL.
I don't want to start thinking that UNACCEPTABLE things are ACCEPTABLE...just because it is EASY.
I don't want things to SLIP IN because I am not ON POINT.

11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age. Titus 2:11



So..I stay on gaurd.
Waiting for those "teachable moments".
Always HOPEING to have some WISE WORDS to help mold their minds.

An sometimes....I have NOTHING.

That is what happened the other night when SHASHA and I saw a PREVIEW for THIS(while watching a COOKING SHOW!!!!



Thank GOODNESS that on the preview it didn't actually SHOW him "dancing"..it just showed him TALKING-which WAS ENOUGH.

I was STUNNED...and before I could change the channel Shasha was saying:
"Mom, why would someone dance on a POLE? So weird. Why wouldn't you just dance on the floor? That is weird. Why would a GUY do that? That IS A GUY right Mom? Why would he dance on a POLE?"

Trust me..it didn't take the first SENTENCE to let me know my GUARD ha been let down, and the weirdness of our POP CULTURE has seeped in.

She was so SHOCKED.
Sweet girl.
So innocent. It made me really think about how strange it is that in our "culture"...THAT is acceptable TV for "family night".
It is seen as NORMAL.
I mean really???
How BLIND do you have to be to see that a silver guy POLE DANCING on a TALENT SHOW at 8pm on NBC is CRAZY???????????

Seriously?

I was so BLINDED by what I ha just been asked that I had NO ANSWER.

No wise words for her to "live by"...
No TRUTHS revealed.

On the Inside:
Just SHOCK.
The irony of what Shasha had just asked me was beyond words....for me.
All I could think was....
"Life is a BEAUTIFUL journey.
THANK GOD I made it to THIS SPOT.
THANK GOD for ALL lessons learned."

On the outside:
I laughed.
I laughed and laughed.
I couldn't help it.

And then Shasha looked at me with a PUZZLED look an said, "Why are you laughing Mom? What is so funny?"

I looked at her still laughing and said, "Because THAT is weird Shasha. Why would you dance on a pole? THAT is dumb."

As I sat there an we finished watching the show we were watching I thought...

"Thank you GOD for giving me CLEAR VISION and the ability to SMELL the smoke even when OTHERS can't SEE it."

Give thanks to God for giving me THIS life.
I am ETERNALLY grateful.

Forced...to relax.

The mark of a successful man is one that has spent an entire day on the bank of a river without feeling guilty about it. ~Author Unknown



It is the first week of summer. Officially.

It is always the first week that is kinda a SHOCK to the system.

I always fin myself in a confused state somewhere between planning and relaxing.

One half of myself wants to dive head first into next year....but I also know that
I
NEED
A
BREAK.

I need to NOT THINK for a minute.
I need to get lost in just BEING for a moment.
I need to DE-SCHOOL myself.

I can be easily consumed with lessons, art plans, cirriculum for next year...when I am not careful.

It has a tendency to sneak up on me an creep into my mind....
when I am trying to NOT THINK.

So this week....I have made an effort.

No blog reading, no planning, no lists...
an
NO Guilt.

Which ends up to being the HARDEST one for me....LOL

I will relax, I will relax, I will relax....
or
I will TRY.