A journey,a lesson, and a puzzle piece.

I wanted for this last 2 1/2 weeks to make me a stronger person.

I yearned for the time apart to TEACH me that I DONT MIND DOING IT ALONE.

I aspired to come out on the other side SHINING brighter, because I was BETTER.

I thought that MAYBE THIS TIME would be different. I figured that when Jay went on tour THIS TIME....the kids were older so it would be easier.

Last time he went on tour was one of the most difficult times in my adult life.
He would leave for weeks at a time and then come home for a few days only to leave again...for weeks.
It was BEYOND HARD to take care of 4 VERY SMALL children....ALONE.


It was a LONG, HARD experience for me,
But....
I considered it a gift.
It was a GIFT I was giving to my best friend.
It was a gesture of LOVE that I could give to him.....
I could take care of his children and home while he fulfilled one of HIS dreams.
I could DO THAT....
I could give him the "gift" of that musical experience.
Traveling the US...touring with a sucessfull band was something that I KNEW he wanted.
And it was something I COULD give.
I did it. I gave that gift to him...willingly.

And then THIS TIME...when the opportunity came around again...

I made a decision...
THIS TIME...I would conquer my SELF.
I would rise above my fears and self-doubt and I would PREVAIL.
The chores would easily get done.
The house would stay clean...because my children(who were also learning to not yell, or argue)keep it that way....I mean- they are OLDER now....THIS SEEMED do-able.
It seemed like something that was MANAGABLE .
I WANTED it to be something that I walked away from feeling EMPOWERED as a mother.

THAT
IS
NOT
WHAT
HAPPENED.

I do not feel stronger.
I do not feel like it taught me anything...except that I miss him DEARLY when he gone.
Nor do I feel like I am "shining" any "brighter" from the experience.

What I did learn is that in times of frustration...I should be more forgiving, because life SUCKS without him.

I learned that time does not make me feel closer...it makes me feel farther away.Like on two ends of a bridge. FAR AWAY.

I learned that doing the work of SUPERAD is HEAVY. The "man jobs" are strenuous, tiring jobs. I never want to DRAG the trash cans and recycling down the LONG path to the street...ever again.THAT is a dirty job.

And I also learned that life is more dull and mundane without him.
He is the light of sooo many lives and brings positivity and FUN to all situations.
He is the perfect piece to OUR puzzle.
An life is too short to take that for granted.
EVER.

I learned to LOVE an APPRECIATE him more....ALWAYS.

Funny how sometimes in life you THINK you know the lessons you are up against.
You THINK you know your destiny.
Only to be reminded that life is an unknown journey with roads yet to be travelled...sometimes mentally and sometimes physically.