Do some GOOD today…

Poverty.
It UGLY and we ignore it.
We choose to.
Because we can.
We live in a place that works hard to "GET RID OF" the problem.
We live in a place that works hard to keep the homeless man off the street....so we don't have to be REMINDED.
Some don't want THAT reality staring them in the face while they are trying to get a latte'.
Maybe it is the fear. Poeple fear what they don't understand.
All the while most of us are 1 or 2 paychecks away from the life of THAT man.
Sooo....
Most Americans cannot wrap their minds around true poverty.
The kind that is HEAVY with despair and pain.
The kind that SUFFOCATES people.
The kind that keeps SHACKLES around feet that are already covered in MUD.
The kind that FORCES a Mother to GIVE UP her child to and orphanage...so the child will LIVE.
The kind that FORCES a woman to sell her body so that she can EAT mud biscuits.
Most cannot UNDERSTAND because they have never looked into the EYES of a poverty-stricken child....outside of a infomercial.
People are SMUG. They are PRIDEFUL.
Because they want to think that something LIKE THAT could NEVER happen to us in the good ole' USA.
It can and will...someday.
In the meantime .....we need to EXPOSE ourselves to the TRUTH.
Its UGLY....but it's THERE.
It can't be ignored.
God wants us to help those that are in need.
We are called to help those who need help.
We need to be cleansed.
We need to let HIM wash away all the misconceptions and lies thet permeate our thoughts about POVERTY.
We need to let go of GREED and loosen our hands of our TIME and MONEY.
No more sitting back and saying...
next month I'll send that donation.
No more sitting back and saying...
next time Ill give that man a dollar.
Because tommorow is never promised.
You never know when you will find YOURSELF in invisible shackles that hold you down.
So I am calling you today to open your hearts.
Help SOMEONE.
DO SOMETHING.
TODAY.
NOW.
Spread the LOVE.......

Stepping back in….a bit.

 

My life has been a series of twists and turns.

I grew up with a typical upper middle class American upbringing.

And had tons of typical middle class American teenage fun… too much actually.

Solo much “fun” that when I came face to face with myself  at 21….I didn’t recognize WHO I WAS.

I had seen the inside of too many smoky rooms.

Been on the wrong side of too many decisions.

Had to sit and think to remember too many nights.

Lived too much for any girl.

It

was

amazing

and

heartbreaking

all

at

the

same

time.

I had the time of my life and then that life had no more time.

I was confronted by God….and had no choice but to change.

ENTIRELY.

From outside to within…..everything about me changed.

I decided that my life basically needed to be devoted ONLY to my faith.

I had no more time for anything but TRUTH.

Because I had been lying.

I decided that everything in my life had to have a purpose….if it wasn’t completely TRUE and honest….I was not participating.

DONE.

That was at 21. 

I spent most of the next year traveling in Costa Rica.  I loved it.  I was in love and was being true to myself and God.

But…my views were wound pretty tight.  Air tight actually.

Then we started having kids and held strong to our beliefs.  They never have had Santa come visit them, never gotten money from the “tooth fairy”, never gotten an Easter basket, and never participated in Halloween.

I know…..

GASP!!!

Believe me…..they are not upset.

It has been their life.

They are used to it.

They never HAD IT….so they know NO DIFFERENCE.

I have spent the last 13 years teaching them what I know as TRUTH about holidays and the reasons behind them.

AND

I realize that MOST PEOPLE celebrate these holidays with fun and love in their hearts.

But MY JOURNEY took me the long way around.  I felt like everything but TRUTH had to be stripped away from my life….

which left no room for fat men flying EVERYWHERE delivering presents in 1 night.

It left no room for cute bunnies who lay eggs or fairies delivering money.

It just didn’t….

So my children never experienced that.

They experienced things like Rastafari’s Birthday, and learning about the solstices, candy sales after Halloween, and the truth BEHIND the holidays.

TONS OF FUN RIGHT?

LOL

Then over the past few years….

something started to happen.

I started to realize that they pretty much KNEW all the things that I wanted to teach them about the holidays.

I KNEW that they were not fooled and that they would not run and REVEAL the holiday secrets to any babies…i.e...Santa.

So….slowly we have started to add some of the holiday “stuff” back into our lives.

The last few years we have had dinner for Christmas with family

and

the kids have gotten Christmas gifts from Grandparents

they have gotten cards on all holidays from loving family….

But never have we had a “Christmas morning” experience.

Then we decided that we were comfortable with the whole thing…we were going to Texas for Christmas with my family.

HUGE.

MAJOR.

Like…..they are STILL asking me if we are REALLY coming! LOL

And we are….I am finally comfortable with that.

I feel like the kids can handle it.  They know that their faith is different…and Christ probably wasn’t born in December.

And he DEFINITELY didn’t have a bunch of STUFF.

So…its cool now.

We can move on…

weird right?

Halloween was something that they never experienced either….BUT.. they have seen the “Truth about  Halloween”special on the History Channel every year they can remember.

Soooooooooo…………….

After feeling my life unwind and loosen a bit….

Thursday night-

We are going trick-or-treating.

We are stepping out of our “Comfy Zone”…

We are stepping BACK IN …a little.

We are testing the waters.

I feel so brave and rebellious.

Just like the old days….

Cutting her Teeth and Standing Strong

She has begun doing this lately.....
putting her "'foot down".

For no reason really...I mean what does an 8 year old have to "put her foot down" about really?

Nothing...she just doesn't KNOW THAT YET.

She just wants to make a stand.

She wants to be heard.

She wants to stand her ground....even when her ground is shaky as SHIT.

Its something  IN HER.....
I can see the strength in her eyes.
She has a hard time backing down...in that moment.

The other day she was supposed to be cleaning her room....
Supposed
to
be.

But, you see,....she is the baby of the family.

For her WHOLE LIFE she has been given a little "leeway".

She has been picked up after, carried(literally), and "babied" her entire existence.

But...we have only done that because ....- she only hated INSIDE CHORES.
She would rather be on the roof helping jay, or raking, or hauling wood.
So....I folded her clothes and put up her laundry
I admit it..
I did it fore her.
ALOT.
I figured that she was a HARD WORKER...just not as domestic in the "laundry area".

But lately.....she has been just plain REFUSING to help her sister clean up their room.

She will lay around, look at a book, or SLOWLY walk around and act as if she has NO IDEA what needs to be done.
It
is
infuriating.

Like..."WHO ARE YOU?? And what have you done with my sweet daughter??" Infuriating.  UGH.

Which is what I was thinking when I walked into her room and ALL HER CLOTHES were still on the floor after Shasha had already cleaned up everything else ...just not HER SISTERS CLOTHES.
REALLY?  I asked her 15 times...at least.

She looked at me with a blank look...kinda like a deer in headlights.

"You have to clean this up.  You have to stay IN HERE till you have every bit cleaned up.  By yourself."  I said, very calmly.

And then she looked at me calmly with determination seeping from her tiny pores and said, "I guess I'll be in her the rest of my LIFE."

It was in that moment I didn't know whether to shake her or hug her.

She was so brave and disobedient.
I know I'm not supposed to love that ....
but
I
do.

I love it because I know that this girl is a fighter....one day she will stand her ground...
for
something.

She has will and determination ...and a pretty smile.
Who are we kidding?
There is no stopping her...no matter..
BUT-

Maybe if I guide her in the right direction and teach her to love the truth...
Maybe if I mold her to love GOD with all her heart....
Maybe if I can teach her to shine her light brightly on injustice....
Maybe if I can show her that love is stronger than hate....
Maybe...all the time I spent letting her "practice" will be worth it.

Praying that one day....
she will stand for something worthwhile.

Until then...I will laugh and let her "cut her teeth" on things like laundry and schoolwork, all the while thinking, "Stand strong baby girl ...Stand Strong.  One day you will change the world."

Life Lessons…with Katy Perry.

 

When you become a parent you can convince yourself of ANYTHING ….I believe it is self preservation.

I always “saw” myself (in my mind) as this easy going, lackadaisical, non confrontational parent.

I had visions of me TOTALLY  relaxed, school everyday at the beach, never spanking…and NEVER, EVER raising my voice or yelling.

Because…..I would be under control, patient, loving, kind, and CALM at all times.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Life is hilarious.

I guess in my mind I always thought that with children those traits would naturally APPEAR in me.

WTH???

Who was I kidding?

If I have learned 1,754,420 things since starting to lose my mind having kids…it is this.

I know NOTHING.

I never know where life lessons will come from.

After being pregnant 4 times, nursing for 8 years, changing countless diapers,refereeing unthought-of of arguments, dealing with sibling rivalry, homeschooling for 8 years, dealing with a teenager, a preteen, a tween, and an 8 year old who thinks she is a preteen(like her sister)and 2 “sex talks”(so far…YIKES!!!)….

I STILL only know SLIGHTLY more than nothing.

Because …Now I KNOW that I know nothing.

This all came to me very clearly the other day during school.

During the morning…while they are doing their journaling or drawing…we listen to music.

Generally we alternate and everyone picks a song.

It always brings in the perfect amount of fun to the morning.  Although to the neighbors …I'm SURE that our schoolroom seems completely bi-polar.

We go from…

The doors

to

Red Hot Chili Peppers

to

Eminem

to

Gwen Stefani

to

Bob Marley

to

Imagine Dragons

to

Countless other POP singers that I cant remember.

It is always a lesson for me in ACCEPTANCE.

It takes everything I have to ACCEPT that they like POP MUSIC more than REGGAE.

GASP! (Yet another thing I never saw coming.)

As they have gotten older…..I have actually embraced this as an opportunity to get to know them better.  I feel like if I listen to what they like WITH THEM…maybe they will listen to ME more.ILLOGICAL…I know.  I try to really listen to songs with them. We break them down word for word sometimes, we analyze the meanings of the lines….which they LOVE. Not.

Imagine me deciphering “Royals” by Lorde for them…

They LOVE it…LOL.

I'm sure they think it takes all the “fun” out of it.

But…

I think that the words matter.

I think that music should SAY something.

Sometimes today…POP MUSIC doesn’t SAY anything.

ESPECIALLY for girls.

Most of the time it is all about GIVING yourself away, talking bad about someone else, or wanting something you cant have.

In the end….making you feel inadequate.

BUT…every once in a while I come across a song that I TRULY LOVE. 

A song that SEEPS with encouragement, INSPIRATION, and energy. A song that LIFTS you up with words.

THAT SONG right now is “ROAR” by Katy Perry.

I know.

Katy Perry.

She is pretty amazing though….if you can see past the boob cupcakes she has worn before.

As we watched the video the other day I talked to Shasha and Sheba about how she is so pretty…but being FUNNY makes her even PRETTIER.

We talked about how she has pretty hair, and clothes, and make up…but the prettiest asset she has…

is the ability to laugh at herself.

THAT is where her TRUE beauty lies.

That is where the REAL DIAMONDS are….gleaming thru in her sense of humor.

I tried to tell them that when you can laugh at yourself and be funny…..your TRUE  beauty shines thru.

And then it hit me once again….

You NEVER know.

You never know WHO or WHAT or in WHAT form your life lessons will come.

Sometimes they come in the form of Katy Perry….in the jungle, roaring at a tiger, brushing an elephants teeth.

Can I get a “Red Room”?

In the faith of rastafari -there are many different "kinds" of Rastas.
Some are more strict than others, some are more lenient, customs can be different in different places, or for different people....
Not very different from the "denominations" of Christianity.
In Jamaica, up in the hills, there is a group of Rastas called "BoBos" ..
They are VERY natural, VERY much on the outsides of society.
VERY SPIRITUAL....
Well one of their customs is that when a woman is on her "cycle", she must retire to a "red room"...
She is FORBIDDEN to cook for anyone, come out of the room, or even be around the men, for fear her negative "vibes" would taint anyone around her.
I WISH I HAD A RED ROOM!!!!!
I told Jason that I need one of these.
I need somewhere I can go and noone has to be around me.
I dont even want to be around myself at these times.
PMS can make me a Mommy that yells and dosent have patience.
PMS makes me a wife that dosent want to clean or cook ANYTHING!!!!
PMS makes me feel like I have electricity under my skin.
I NEED A RED ROOM!!!!
The trouble is ...I dont WANT to NEED a red room.
I want to be patient, kind and CLEAN, the WHOLE month long!!
So say a little prayer for me tonight...
Pray that tommorow when I wake up- I will not WANT a red room.
Pray that my kids get something besides Pop-tarts tommorow morning for breakfast….

and lunch…

and dinner………

RAS-springa: Into the world...

Last week was ......

Scary

Shocking

Heart pounding

Mysterious

Exciting

And

Eye opening

We did something that I had always expected to happen ...at some point.

Zeek decided that after 7 years of home school...he wanted to try a small charter school in town.

He is almost 13 years old and we decided after checking out the school ...that we would honor his request.

You see...I always figured that one day....they might want to venture out and go to public school.

I never ever ever want to deny them of something that may be a learning experience for them.

So when he said that he wanted to try the middle school...I was shocked.

I never thought it would be Zeek.  

I know him. 

I have been his teacher for 7 years....I know how he learns.

I know his sweet soul, and heart.  I know what he struggles with and what he excels in.
I know that he has a hard time concentrating.
I know that he spends more time reading that he has to on math.
I know when he needs a break and when we need to push on.

I know.

But..to no avail...when he said he wanted to try...we let him.

We called all the family and told them that Zeek was going on this new adventure.  
Everyone was very excited and happy for him.

I was excited and proud that he wanted to TRY something new.

It struck me how brave he was....

Taking a "RAS -springa" if you will.

(Like when the Amish take a RUMSPRINGA )

So we prepared him and sent him on his way in his rosé colored glasses.

I picked him up on Thursday afternoon and he was almost unrecognizable.

He was sad and downtrodden.

Ummm.....not. Part. Of. The. Deal.

That is not Zeek.

He usually SHINES.  

With me: 

He thrives in school. He smiles. He laughs. He concentrates. He studies.

But this was a zombies out 13 year old who had just spent 6 hours in school...only to come home and do 3-4 hours of homework.

And this was day 2!

I saw it coming.

When you have a child....if you pay attention. 

You. Know. Them.

You know when something isn't right. 

Something was wrong.

He was not happy.

He was not smiling.

He was not shining.

He was not my Zeek.

It
Broke

My

Heart.

He got in the car and set his backpack on the floor like it had the weight of the world in it.
"How was your day babe?"
"Eh." he said with a heaviness in his voice.
"What do you mean. "Eh?" I said.
He just sat there and stared at the rain that was so fittingly pouring on the windshield.
"I don't know Mom.  I don't know."
I pryed and pryed.
I asked and begged...
He wasn't talking.
We drove all the way home with me asking and him shutting me down.
It
was
weird.
When we pulled in the driveway he got out and walked right past his Dad.
Jay looked at me with a puzzled look....
"Whats wrong with HIM? Bad day?"
I just shrugged and followed him inside.
He sat and stared at his TV for the next hour while I wondered what happened?
A while later I left to take the girls to dance...giving him instructions to start on his 3 hours of homework(WTF???) after I left.
He nodded and said nothing.
By the time I came back an hour and a half later he was in the schoolroom with Jay CRYING.
He was asking to come back home.
In the end ......
after hours of talking and discussing..
We decided that this was not the best option for us.
We decided that if we honored him when he wanted to GO...we needed to honor him when he decided to come home.
In the end...
that
felt
right.
It feels right to have him HERE.
It feels good to know that he went out there....
and CHOSE to come back.
Never mind the chaotic classrooms...
Never mind the 3 hours of homework...
Never mind the "problem" kids...
Never mind the wrench it threw in the schedule...
NONE of that was the CORE of the issue....
The CORE of the issue for me was this....

I want them to be prepared for the world, but I don't want them to be "of this world".
I want them to be comfortable with themselves.
Comfortable enough to come to us and say, "This is not right for me."
I want them to know that we listen, we hear, we trust them.
Enough to HEAR them when they speak....no matter if they are 3, 13, or 33.
We will listen.
 We will HEAR.

Talia’s Teachings……….

I look at parenting like I am building a soul.

I take what God has entrusted to me and TRY to help them walk their journey.

Wherever that takes them.

As mine grow we are facing different obstacles now.

Life in the first world for a pre teen is a landmine of decisions and choices.

I am constantly saying, “I need YOU to make better choices.”

Which is funny, because when they are little you don’t think past the diaper changes and the breastfeeding dilemmas.

Hard to imagine a life without whipping out your boob every 20 minutes….

Its hard to imagine these tiny beings …..bigger.

But – it. happens.

They grow.

They change.

They become…right before your eyes.

Its actually painful…like when you get tickled till it hurts.

It’s a love THAT piercing.

And then all the sudden…its 10 years later, your boobs are tightly locked away  and your kids are as tall as you….and have bigger feet.

All.

of.

the.

Sudden.

And then …Here we are having to explain WHY you cant text someone 30 times in 30 minutes….it just rude.

Or

WHY you HAVE to wear deodorant EVERY DAY.  Seriously. Every day.

or

staying up late at night to see what all the girls are “talking about” on Instagram.  So weird being the “appropriate police”.  Teaching them to be nice even when others aren't.

or

why you should appreciate your friends and family EVERYDAY ….life is short and you never know what tomorrow holds.

That is what happened the other day on the way to dance.

I had Shasha, Sheba and their friend Honour in the car.

They were telling me that Talia Castellano.

I knew who she was because for the past few weeks they had been watching her youtube videos and make up tutorials.

She was a youtube sensation and all the girls LOVED her.

And….she had cancer.

The girls were enthralled with her story.

and then on the way to dance that morning they told me that she had passed.

They were really quiet.

For a good 2 or 3 minutes there was silence.

Then…I started telling them that she was put on this earth for a purpose.  God put her here to teach us.

Thru Talia we could learn that life is too short for dumb arguments with your brother or sister.

Thru Talia we could learn that no matter how long your life you can shine and make a difference.

Thru Talia we could learn what it looks like to be brave in the eye of a storm.

Thru Talia we could learn to really LIVE every day.

Thru Talia we learn that you are never to young to TEACH.

It was such a beautiful conversation…..they recognized the reality that she was no longer alive….but her light was still shining.

I think they recognized that thru bravery , kindness, and joy…..your light can never be dimmed, your memory never forgotten, and I think they recognized the importance of EACH DAY.

R.I.P.  Talia… you are still teaching.

Surrendering…to reality.

 

People ask me one question a lot…

They ask…. “How is it that yall have stayed together soooo long?”

And it always surprises  me that in this day and time….

15 years is an ETERNATY.

I mean…it isn’t.  REALLY…in the scope of things.

BUT….

In the days of broken promises, fairy tale expectations, and unrealistic standards….

We have been married “FOREVER”.

In todays world girls are taught to never accept less that 1000% of a mans attention.

We are taught that unless he remembers birthdays, anniversaries, and the day of your first kiss…..he is an ass.

We are fed the lie that he will be perfect.  We are told to accept NOTHING LESS. Wait long enough…and he will appear.

I hear women  all the time talking to their friends about how “if he wants you…he will PROVE it by…(Insert ANYTHING).

I mean we are taught to be UNFORGIVING and to expect no less than perfection.

We are taught to NEVER …ever ever ever…

Wave a white flag.

We are taught to never SURRENDUR what we WANT…for anyone.

WOMEN FIRST…Ugh.  Such a set-up.

It is engrained in our minds from a very young age that marriage and life will be EASY…if you find the “right man”.

The problem with all THAT is:

No one is perfect.

No one will live up to those standards.

No one will ever be “everything” to you.

No one will ever fulfill your every need and want.

No one.

Ever.

The “perfect man” does not exist.

He has never walked the earth.

I mean even Adam was tempted…and flawed.

And that…

That is the secret….

the realization that we are ALL FLAWED.

None of us are perfect.

Not.

One.

of.

us.

Don’t get me wrong…I am by NO MEANS saying to settle with just ANY MAN.

But if you expect perfection…they will ALL fail you.

ALL MEN are NOT created equal…in a woman's eyes.

What I do mean is…  find and pinpoint the things that REALLY MATTER.  The things worth “fighting for”.  Find the things that are “deal-breakers” and stick to them.  But give some leeway in other areas.  Learn to wave your proverbial white flag.

Marriage isn't easy and in my opinion:

 

In order to make a marriage last ….you have to be forgiving.

And be forgiven.

I look at it like this:

There are times in life when  you have to fight FOR your life and times when I had to surrender  TO  IT..

The key to a lasting LOVE and marriage is to know the DIFFRENCE…

and to always carry a white flag.

Unlocked and Rediscovered.

 

 

It enveloped me so quickly that I almost held my breath.

This feeling.

This change.

This….LIFE.

In that OTHER life, you know…the one I lived BEFORE.

Before I became…

a mother

a nurse

a teacher

a true wife

a cook

a referee

a taxi driver

a front yard farmer

a zookeeper

and all all around BUSY freakin’ person….

In THAT life I had only 1 thing…

FREEDOM.

I had the freedom to be completely selfish and do what I wanted..

and believe me…

I

wasted

NONE

or

it.

It was fun…

I drew…things other than rainbows and bows.

I listened to music…without someone saying, “Mom…can we put it on MY station?”

I went where I wanted…when I wanted.

I fed myself…..only.

I only worried about ME.

And I painted….

I painted a lot actually.

Because I had TIME…and FREEDOM.

Then…. like a shell on the edge of the ocean…

THIS LIFE….pulled me in.

It pulled me with a force that I couldn’t fight.

I knew I was going where I was supposed to be.

My resting place.

THIS LIFE.

I surrendered myself to the waves…..

I found God.

I found my soul mate.

I had 4 kids.

I started homeschooling.

I just rode the waves of my life knowing that I was ….BETTER.

I was a TRUER person….I was NOW…who I was supposed to be.

THIS

LIFE

MADE

ME.

And I am so thankful for that.

Eternally. Thankful.

I found myself engulfed in all things NOT ME.

I was engulfed in Jays music…

or

nursing babies and changing diapers

or

the kids schooling

or

taking care of the house.

I just accepted that I had LOST certain parts of myself.

I considered it a trade….a FREAKIN BRILLIANT trade.

It was a trade I made because I figured some day…

I could reclaim certain parts of myself.

The parts that were still there…but just buried under responsibilities, bills, work, school, and well….DAILY LIFE.

I figured one day I would pick up a paintbrush again.

And I did….over the last 15 years I have defiantly used my CRAFTY side for gift making and crafts.

But…It had been 15 years since I had taken a brush to a canvas.

And then this year I was trying to think of a “dance teacher” gift for our 3 super awesome Performance Ensemble teachers and I thought….

“Maybe I could paint them a picture.  It has been a while but I might be able too.”

So I went to the Art store and bought 3 canvases and some watercolors and some brushes.

Then I found some inspirational ballerina pictures on the net and started painting.

This is what happened….

I cried.

I felt a bit of myself come back.

I had unlocked something.

I was still in there….

just hibernating.

Waiting for my moment.

This

was

it.

It was liberating.

And then the most amazing thing happened after I posted the pics on FB and Instagram…..

They started selling.

Like hot cakes they are selling faster than I can paint them.

I have painted and delivered 5 so far and have been commissioned to paint 18 more.

What's even better????

This came at the perfect time.

ALL PROCEEDS ARE GOING TO FURTHER OUR DAUGHTERS DANCE EDUCATION.

Can you say “Best Fundraiser Ever”????

By painting…

I discovered part of myself again…

AND

I am raising money for the BEST CAUSE EVER…

THIS LIFE.

I always knew the waves of this life would somehow bring me back to my starting place….

INSIDE MYSELF.

If interested contact thru Facebook, leave a message here, or email me at rastafamx6@yahoo.com .

Sandpaper….and life.

Maybe I used to live a life that SEEPED with guilt and unhappiness ….

Maybe I did things that you would NEVER believe……..

Maybe the person I was is a MILLION miles from  the person I AM…..

Maybe it feels like I have stolen memories  from a faraway land….

Maybe as I have gotten older I have realized that THOSE things make me who I am today….

and at the same time….

they

don’t.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we were “discussing” someone we both “know”.  She was talking about all the things that this girl had done to make my friend not like her.

It was a string of things.

A list.

A long list.

One of the things she said was something about something she had done at 17.   The girl is 26 or so now.

It really struck me in that moment.

Jeez…I hope people don’t judge me by the things I did when I was 17.

Whoa…..there were a lot of “things” I did I am not proud of.

And for the most part…I don’t know why I did them.

I didn’t come from a terrible background…I had parents who loved me.  I went to a good school.  I was popular.  I had friends.

I

had

a

great

life.

But for some reason……I was unhappy.  I was aching.

At the time it never made sense to me.

Well….Actually-  I never thought about it.

It never crossed my mind at 17 to THINK about why I was doing what I was doing.

When I think about it now…

it

seems

so

clear.

I wanted to rebel….against SOMETHING.

It was my rebel soul stirring. preparing me.

I wanted to rebel against myself, my parents, my friends, but MOSTLY…my all American life.  You know the one everyone dreams of??? 

The life where ….

I live in not 1 but 2 NICE houses, I had a car, loving, devoted parents, a nice school, family and friends.

But still……..

I wanted to FEEL rebellious.

That neat, tidy life didn’t “fit” me very well.  I wanted it to.  I put up a good front.   I wore a pretty mask.  But…it. didn’t. fit.

NOW….

I understand now that it was just me struggling thru the corners and tunnels of soul.  Without even knowing it.  I was strengthening myself for THIS LIFE.

I was a rebel in training.

All that rebelling was preparing me for the biggest act of rebellion of all….

Following God and walking IN my faith.

Which is a TOTALLY rebellious thing to do these days.

That life was like SANDPAPER for my soul.

Fine grit sandpaper. 

It made me WHO I AM.

That struggle defined me.

That struggle MADE me. 

Because after all that debauchery and fun, after all that “rebelling” ...

the true test was when God truly came into my life.

The true test would be finding a balance in my life between who I was and who I was becoming.

And little did I know….all that rebellion and “living”  was exactly what I needed to get back to the core of  myself.

Back to the “I-n-I”.

That life made me realize that true rebellion happens on the inside…

it happens when….

you LIVE your life to the fullest,

when you stand in your faith,

when you shine your light,

and

when you help others find theirs.

That is the essence or rebellion.

Sometimes its fine grit and sometimes it is rough grit.

But it is really the GRIT that matters.

As I write this today…I am eternally grateful for that life because as hard as it was…..

It made me.

Deep.

I ran a bath and told the kids to read for 30 min and I set a timer.

I settled in with some parenting book that I brought in with me.

I figured I had 30 min to myself…well, 20 if I was lucky.

Kids….I sat thinking about how life was strange.

How did I get to THIS point in my life?

How did I get to a point where I have a bunch of kids that are growing literally in front of me.

How?

When?

WHY?

Why does it feel like days slip thru my fingers like sand while I desperately try and grasp them before they slip away?

Why does it feel like things are changing so fast that I am having a hard time “keeping up”?

Then I heard something…something. different.

I turned off the bathwater and listened carefully….

Someone was talking.

It wasn’t the kids.

It was a man…..in the house?

My heart started racing…..

I quickly jumped out of the bath and wrapped up in a towel.

I ran, still wet into the hallway and stuck my head into the living room….

all the kids looked up startled.

“What’s wrong Mom?  Why did you get out of the bath?” said Shasha.

I looked around the room confused.

I know I heard a MAN.

“I thought I heard someone talking….like a MANS voice.”

They all looked at each other and shrugged.

Then Zeek said , in a strikingly deep voice that I swear he didn’t have when I went into the BATH, “It was me Mom.  I was the only one talking.”

I stood there for a minute in total confusion.

That couldn’t have been Zeek…it was a MANS voice.

I looked again…..nope, he was the only one there.

It was happening….we were changing.  Right. before. my. eyes.

I slowly walked back to the bath a little more AWARE of just how quickly the sand is actually falling thru my fingers.

and

a little bit more desperate to keep days from slipping away.

Concrete Boots….

Yuck.

Blah.

Dreary.

Melancholy.

Tired.

Those are the words I would use to describe my attitude the last few months.I have felt like I have been standing in quicksand. Struggling. 

Clawing my way thru life.

Seriously…in the TRENCHES of life.

NOT winning.

I just haven't been able to shake it.

I have thought about it and thought about it.

What I have come up with is THIS:

This has been BY FAR my hardest year of homeschooling.   I think that up until now…I have never had ALL 4 kids “IN SCHOOL” at one time.  Up until now it has been 1, then 2, then 3…now 4!!.!!  And- they were all in elementary school.   Easy Peasy!!  Now….we are ALL  ACTIVELY PARTICIPATING in our school day.  And we aren't “watered down” with the ABC’s or crafts really.  We  are all  REALLY doing all our work DAILY. 

So…there's THAT pressure.

Add THAT to:

kids who have gotten OUT of a routine

and

have started to talk back and not listen

and the there is the ARGUING….

HOLY SHIT the arguing.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is some HEAVY shit.  Like carrying weighty heavy bricks …walking uphill.  In concrete boots.

Don’t get me wrong…we have good days.

But-

sometimes when I let the devil seep in…. I doubt myself and I fail.

Or

at least I feel like I do.

And isn’t that the same thing really????

Pair that with the last couple of months of having more BAD days than GOOD days finally made me BREAK.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I MIGHT have had a mini-meltdown.

I MIGHT have had a moment.

MAYBE.

A moment when I just decided to FIGHT.

I decided to take my life back from the CHAOS and STRESS that had been building.

I

would

take

it

no

longer.

So I sat them down and explained EXACLTY how this was going to go down…..

From now on we would:

1. get back on a schedule.  Like a real schedule.  A timed schedule.  SHOCKING…I know!.

2. they would start to LISTEN.  Like not “half-ass” listen….like REALLY listen.  The 1st time.  Not the 50th.

3.  They would STOP arguing and bickering.  They WOULD be thankful for each other and GRATEFUL for their brothers and sisters.  Because they are a freakin’ gift!!!

4.  They would make school easier on me by COOPERATING and DOING their schoolwork.  Whatever schoolwork I tell them to do!!  They would be PATIENT with ME.  Because I have 4 students doing 4 different things ….at all  times.  JEEZ!!!!!.

I EMPHASIZED that this WOULD be in their “best interest”.

I STRESSED that they SHOULD cooperate. 

OR

ELSE.

It had to be done.  The way it WAS…was going to KILL me.

It was time.

I just realized that some things needed to change in my life in order for me to get thru these years.

I needed to take back control and do what I KNEW needed to be done.

Make the changes that needed to be made.

Do the hard things that are so simple.

Just do what I know in my heart is right for my SOUL.

Put one foot in front of the other…

even when your boots are made of CONCRETE.

Because even concrete boots will crumble….

when walked in enough.

THANK GOD!!!

The right track….

 

I’m a worrier….

I know it contradicts with my “chilled out” lifestyle.  (Or what SOME PERCIEVE as my “chilled out lifestyle”)

What can I say???   Old habits die hard.

I can’t help it…

I worry.

I fret.

I fear.

When I was younger….I had NO FEAR.

I did things that MOST people wouldn’t dream of.

Some good things…mostly- not so good things.

All because of a lack of FEAR in my life.

A lack AWARENESS that …in life – FEAR can keep you in check.

FEAR of consequences.

FEAR of what happens when you have NO FEAR.

It’s healthy….As long as you USE it to motivate you. (that’s what I tell myself, anyway.)

In my life …FEAR sneaks in when I waste too much time thinking  about-

raising my kids

who they will BE

teaching them

training them

educating them

I fear it all.

But mostly…

I

fear

if

what

I

am

doing

is

ENOUGH????

Are the lessons that I am teaching them going to prepare them for LIFE?

Am I doing a good enough job teaching them about what is REAL and IMPORTANT in life???

Is the example we, as parents, are setting GOOD ENOUGH?

Then….

there are times when I am GRANTED a small blessing.

A gift of insight…

Like tonight….I was babysitting a friends baby(11 months).  She had never stayed with us before, so she was a bit “timid” at first.  She went from kid to kid and back to me again.  She was tired, but would. not. let. go.

All the kids took a swing at sitting with her and walking her around.

Bless their hearts…they all tried.

She.

wasn’t.

having.

it.

She was going to FUSS about it.

I mean…that is what they do.

But…I’ve done this a time or 10,637.  I knew that she would eventually wear herself out and go to sleep.  The fussing doesn’t bother me.

It did bother ZEEK.  He came out of his room, where he was watching “The Mummy”.  Do you KNOW how hard it is to get a 12 year old boy to pull himself away from an action movie????

The fact that he came out of his ROOM because she was crying said enough.

That baby was pulling on his heart strings.

And let’s face it ….he is NO STRANGER to babies.

His Dad is the “baby whisperer”.

No really.

Anyway….

Then he did something amazing.

He said, “Give her to me Mom.  I’ll walk her around.  I think she is just fighting sleep.”

I smiled and my heart melted.

Then for about 45 min….

He walked her around.

He bounced her.

He fed her a bottle.

He rocked her.

He was patient and kind and he put her to sleep.

And as I was watching this I was blessed with a thought..

It occurred to me that I didn’t need to FEAR so much in my life now.

I don’t need to WONDER…

are we doing enough?

how will they “turn out”?

I had proof standing in front of me that I was doing SOMETHING right.

I have a 12 year old son that is -

patient enough..

compassionate enough..

unselfish enough..

and

LOVES enough…

to put a baby he barely knows to sleep, without being asked.

I’d say were on the right track………..

Many hands make light work…Maybe.

 

For the last few years I have been Jay’s sounding board.

You see…He likes to TALK. 

Don’t get too excited.  He is far from a roses and “sweet nothings” kind of guy.

DOING is his love language….not flowers or cards.

When I say, “he likes to talk", I mean LITERALLY.

Specifically he likes to talk about PLANS and DREAMS for the house and the property.

He likes to walk around the yard and discuss…in detail, what he wants to do HERE…or THERE.

Don’t get me wrong….I LOVE to listen.

No- really…I do.

But this man of mine….he dreams BIG.

His ideas unfold into LONG WALKS…sometimes its basically just LAPS around the acre we have. 

And I can appreciate that.  I LOVE that about him.

It’s just HARD for me.  I guess I think more on the “step-by-step, moment-by moment” level.  It’s really hard for me to SEE it.  Maybe because essentially I am flawed in some ways.  It always seems like '”a lot” to me to “see”. 

It seems HEAVY.  Just the” idea” of the plans makes me tired.

Maybe it is…

the dishes in the sink.

the laundry pile on the floor.

the dust in the living room.

the front porch that needs to be swept.

the spelling words that need to be planed.

the seeds that need to get in the dirt.

the schoolroom that needs to be cleaned.

the rabbit cage that needs to be fixed.

Maybe it’s the EDUCATING OF 4 KIDS????

I don’t know…

It has always just been  an inner struggle for me to walk around the yard and plan the BIG things.

There is always a PULL to get back to the “daily” stuff that needs to be done.  It just makes me feel overwhelmed.

So…I have always TRIED to walk with him…to listen to him.

I want him to feel HEARD.  Because in the end….

He makes shit HAPPEN.

He gets it done.

every.time.

But…

it

is

exhausting

for

me

mentally.

I guess I just compartmentalize it as …”not my department”.

I know….so “independent” of me. But…that is easier for me. Lighter.

So The other day….I noticed something that was like MUSIC to my tired ears.

I heard Jay and ZEEK walking around the house….talking about their PLANS and DREAMS for the bathroom they had just GUTTED.

The sinks would be here.

The “new to us” garden tub would be here.

The toilet was moving to over here.

And pretty sure I heard something about making the toilet closet look like a old wooden outhouse. (Swoon!!!!)

Um…Yes, please!!!!

It was so LIBERATING.

It felt so AWESOME that Zeek had taken some of my weight.

He had made my walk lighter….without even knowing it.

AMAZING!!!

Maybe this whole “growing up” thing has a silver lining to it…

Maybe.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Just….Next to him.

We are an affectionate family.

Scratch that….

We are an EXTREMELY affectionate family.

We never let them “cry it out”….

We aren’t especially strict…

We always let them sleep in our beds…even today..

We give away TONS AND TONS of hugs and kisses.

And I guess as a Mom…I see us as a family that will always kiss and hug…A LOT.  Which is a no brainer when you have little kids….they crave affection and almost HANG on you.

But…

sometimes things change as they get older.

(Damn you, Time!!!)

About 6 months ago when I would go to kiss Zeek on the lips, he would turn his cheek.

Shudder…I know.

After a few times of this happening, I. had. to.say.something.

I HAD to explain that THIS… was not going down like THAT.

I had to explain that even GROWN ASS MEN kiss their Mama’s.

I am pretty sure I said something about birthing him, and labor, and that I had earned kisses for ETERNITY.

Yadda Yadda.  LOL.

I even called Jay in to set. him. straight.

After that…he was cool.

He is always super sweet and loving….

but as a “pre-teen”…I am learning that the best thing I can do is:

BE

AVAILABLE

and

DON’T

ASK.

Stand next to him, sit close to him, walk with him, LISTEN to him.

Just BE THERE.

It is in THESE times that he opens up fully.

And SOMETIMES,when I am REALLY lucky….when  I walk with him, he gently laces his fingers in mine.

I don’t say a word…..I just smile and keep walking.

Cherishing every single minute.

In life’s “weeds”……

The “weeds”….

that’s what we call it when we get REALLY busy waiting on tables.

You know….running your ass off trying to…

please everyone at once

AND

get everything done

AND

not forget ONE THING.

Yeah…

That. is. my. life. right. now.

I've said it before …..life was MUCH easier when all I had to do to make someone happy was…

put a boob in their mouth.

But…

Gone are those days.

Now we are in the “weeds” with emerging hormones, school, dance(x6 days a week) ju-jit-zu(x2 days a week), PRE-MS,  changing voices,slight  behavior issues, feeding 4 GROWING kids,  sibling rivalry, adjusting to a new schedule and those are just THEIR issues.

Don’t get me started on MY ISSUES:

still broken

still learning

still praying

still surviving

thru PARENTHOOD.

Life is a crazy journey.

Sometimes I have time to write about it

and

sometimes I don’t.

Bare with me…..

I’m just doing some “landscaping".

15 blocks of jealousy….

 

About every 3 blocks the school bus would stop and I would see  sleepy eyed parents waving goodbye to the kids with a half-smile.

We were DIRECTLY behind the bus on A1A….

all

the

way

down

the

beach.

We had to stop at each and every stop on the way to take Jay to work.

What seemed like an eternity was probably more like 15 blocks.

With every stop I was becoming more and more GREEN.

15 torturous blocks of watching parents send kids to school…only to go home and do GOD-knows what.

Whatever they wanted….5-6 hours to themselves.

Ugh.

I imagine they lay in the sun reading 50 shades of Grey

or

they have dinner with their beasties…EVERY. DAY.

or

they relax, get all the laundry done and watch “Days of Our Lives”, which coincidentally…is like NONE of the days of their lives.

I am not going to lie….

I

was

JEALOUS,

Jelly,

Green faced,

Envious. 

All at one time.

The day before was REALLY hard for me in school. 

Sometimes it runs smoothly, and sometimes it all turns to shit.

Being COMPLETELY responsible for the outcome of my 4 kids education is a DAUNTING TASK. 

Like…”make me doubt myself, and bring me to my knees” daunting.

It is a huge responsibility that I don’t take lightly.

There are times that I read all the blogs on the internet and forget that they are all not 1 PERSON.  They are all different people doing small tasks everyday.  But it is easy to forget that and feel like a failure when you don’t complete a “pin” everyday.

It is easy to get down on yourself and think….

CAN

I

DO

THIS????

I mean…can I REALLY educate these kids?

REALLY?

You see…the devil seeps in as doubt.

He can come in thru a crack and permeate a space.

Quickly.

He is always conspiring  to steal our joy and rob us of what we KNOW to be TRUE.

He is slick like that.

But he is no match for the Almighty.

God KNOWS truth and intent.

He knows that because my intentions are good….I WILL SUCCEED.

He knows that my drive will conquer my jealousy.

He knows that in my heart….I am doing exactly what I should be doing for my family.

He knows because ….

He put all those traits in me.

He grew my strength and made me - just. for. this. life.

Perfectly woven and ripened….

to be doing exactly what I am doing right now.

Even after 15 blocks of jealousy.

Half my heart……….

We have been having a debate in our house.

A TEXAS SIZED dilemma…

You see…

I am a Texan.

I was born and raised a Texan.

1/2 my heart lives in Texas…still today.

I came to Florida when I was 19.

So young….I really just wanted to go to the beach.

And I LOVE IT…

I live in an amazing town and live a JOY filled life.

But…

I am a TEXAN.

Make no mistake about it.

And if there is one thing Texans are…it is proud.

As I have grown up…this has GROWN in me.

Now..at 35-

I love everything “Texas”…

the 1000 degree summers

the bluebonnets

the dear leases

the line dances

the country cookin’

the wide open spaces

the Whataburger

the cows

the 2 steppin’

the big cities

the small towns

the rodeos

the cowboys

the chemical plants

the ship channel

but mostly…

I love the HEARTBEAT of Texas.

The family and friends that GREW me.

It is what brings me back over and over.

I

Love

Texas.

So you can imagine how proud I was when I heard about THIS conversation when Jay was explaining the kids heritage to them:

Jay:  You guys know my family is Italian.  My family came to the United States from Italy.  So you are 1/2 Italian.

Shasha:  So we’re 1/2 Italian and 1/2 Texan!!!!

Yes, child….you are.

LOL.

Jay tries to argue.

He says something about “Texas not being a country”.

He just doesn’t “get it”.

I guess my TEXAS LOVE is rubbing off!!!

Now …..to teach them that “Deep in the Heart of Texas” is our National Anthem.

Hahahah

Back in the saddle…..

I’m BACK….

We’ll….I’m trying to be.

I spent the last month or so really IN my life.

Sometimes I get really lost in all the “extras”.

Facebook

My blog

My cell phone

You know…all the things that tend to pull us slowly away from  REAL LIFE.

The things that creep in and steal your time…those are the things that keep us from really being EMMERSED in our lives.

Those are the things that keep me 1/2 in moments that I should be ALL in for.

It was a nice break…and it really gave me a chance to reevaluate what I wanted to accomplish thru those outlets.

This is what I came up with:

I love my Facebook…all my friends are in there.  It is where I keep in touch with old friends and even make some new friends.

And

I love my blog.

I really do.

But…..

I have never felt more pressured by a non-existent deadline in my life.

There is no one telling me what to write

or

when to write.

But sometimes…I just don’t feel like it.

I just don’t feel like “thinking deeply” about anything.I really feel like my DAILY life takes every bit of  “creativity” I have.

I mean….I have 2 pre-teens

and

an overly emotional 9 year old

and

a 7yr old is going on 15.

My day can be pretty long and exhausting.  It seems to be a never-ending stream of  long talks and breaking up arguments.

Kind of like a carnival ride…

that

never

stops.

But I also know that one day….I will be so proud of the fact that I have kept this amazing journal of our lives.   It is something that really means a lot to me.  Something I have been working on for a VERY LONG TIME.

So…..In the end I decided that :

1.  It was a nice break from the norm to NOT write and feel pressured by an imaginary boss waiting on his “next story”.

2. I am BACK!!!  I am going to make an effort starting today to keep up with this daily journal and blog.