Friday, May 31, 2013

Sandpaper….and life.

sand2

Maybe I used to live a life that SEEPED with guilt and unhappiness ….

Maybe I did things that you would NEVER believe……..

Maybe the person I was is a MILLION miles from  the person I AM…..

Maybe it feels like I have stolen memories  from a faraway land….

Maybe as I have gotten older I have realized that THOSE things make me who I am today….

and at the same time….

they

don’t.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we were “discussing” someone we both “know”.  She was talking about all the things that this girl had done to make my friend not like her.

It was a string of things.

A list.

A long list.

One of the things she said was something about something she had done at 17.   The girl is 26 or so now.

It really struck me in that moment.

Jeez…I hope people don’t judge me by the things I did when I was 17.

Whoa…..there were a lot of “things” I did I am not proud of.

And for the most part…I don’t know why I did them.

I didn’t come from a terrible background…I had parents who loved me.  I went to a good school.  I was popular.  I had friends.

I

had

a

great

life.

But for some reason……I was unhappy.  I was aching.

At the time it never made sense to me.

Well….Actually-  I never thought about it.

It never crossed my mind at 17 to THINK about why I was doing what I was doing.

When I think about it now…

it

seems

so

clear.

I wanted to rebel….against SOMETHING.

It was my rebel soul stirring. preparing me.

I wanted to rebel against myself, my parents, my friends, but MOSTLY…my all American life.  You know the one everyone dreams of??? 

The life where ….

I live in not 1 but 2 NICE houses, I had a car, loving, devoted parents, a nice school, family and friends.

But still……..

I wanted to FEEL rebellious.

That neat, tidy life didn’t “fit” me very well.  I wanted it to.  I put up a good front.   I wore a pretty mask.  But…it. didn’t. fit.

NOW….

I understand now that it was just me struggling thru the corners and tunnels of soul.  Without even knowing it.  I was strengthening myself for THIS LIFE.

I was a rebel in training.

All that rebelling was preparing me for the biggest act of rebellion of all….

Following God and walking IN my faith.

Which is a TOTALLY rebellious thing to do these days.

That life was like SANDPAPER for my soul.

Fine grit sandpaper. 

It made me WHO I AM.

That struggle defined me.

That struggle MADE me. 

Because after all that debauchery and fun, after all that “rebelling” ...

the true test was when God truly came into my life.

The true test would be finding a balance in my life between who I was and who I was becoming.

And little did I know….all that rebellion and “living”  was exactly what I needed to get back to the core of  myself.

Back to the “I-n-I”.

That life made me realize that true rebellion happens on the inside…

it happens when….

you LIVE your life to the fullest,

when you stand in your faith,

when you shine your light,

and

when you help others find theirs.

That is the essence or rebellion.

Sometimes its fine grit and sometimes it is rough grit.

But it is really the GRIT that matters.

As I write this today…I am eternally grateful for that life because as hard as it was…..

It made me.

5 comments:

KerBear said...

Jana, you inspire me. I love reading your posts!

Anonymous said...

I am regular reader, how are you everybody? This piece of writing posted at this web site is truly good.


Here is my page; check this out

Anonymous said...

Good blog post. I absolutely love this site. Keep
it up!

Also visit my blog :: Click This Link

Concerned Parent said...

Love your blog. Beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Great post