Friday, June 22, 2012
It was the first time I had ever been TERRIFIED to open the door at The Dance Company.
I had opened and closed those doors 1000’s of times probably.
On Monday when my hand grabbed the handle and opened the door, it was FOR ME.
I was the one there for class.
My first ballet class in almost DECADES.
I was terrified.
Literally..sweating in places you DON’T want to sweat.
I was horrified.
“Would I make a fool of myself?”
“Would I BE ABLE to do it?”
“Would I remember ANYTHING?”
“Oh My Goodness!!!! What in the HELL am I doing????”
“Will I look like a total A-hole if I turn around and RUN????”
All those thoughts went thru my head in the millisecond before I stepped into the studio.
I am not going to lie….
I would have done almost ANYTHING Monday to get out of going.
the day kept ticking along and the girls kept asking about the tumbling class they were going to across the hall at the same time.
I was stuck.
I had to do it.
I didn’t want them to remember me SAYING I was going to take ballet and then …chickening out.
I want them to remember me being terrified but doing it anyway.
there I was opening the door…
facing my fears…
stepping up to the plate…
But..I was there.
I was MELTING…but- I was there.
I said my hellos to everyone and took a place at the barre.
It felt unnatural and scary.
But, as I looked around I realized that EVERYONE was as nervous as I was. Everyone was facing their own fears at that moment.
It was empowering.
As we spent the next hour and 15 minutes giggling and getting to know each other as we ATTEMPTED to be graceful and gran jette across the floor…something happened.
That room, that class started to melt away my self doubt.
As I showed up for class on Thursday night I felt different.
I wasn’t terrified.
I was SCARED…let’s be REAL.
But- I wasn’t terrified.
And as I put my hand on the barre this time…it felt a little more natural.
Not quite SO long ago.
As the music started and we started doing barre exercises I realized something…..
Taking ballet at 35 is COMPLETELY different than taking ballet at 10.
At 10 you have NO INHABITIONS…
At 10 you aren’t weighed down with self-doubt and fear.
At 10 you LOVE yourself.
At 10 you hold your head HIGH.
Then something changes you.
At 35…it is surprisingly hard for me to hold my head and chin up as you see a ballerina do.
At 35…it is hard for me to relax enough in class to quit fidgeting with my face.
At 35…I am heavy, but it is not my WEIGHT that holds me down.
It is my mind.
As a woman thru my life I have only bound tighter inside myself.
Thru ballet at 35- I am learning that when I really shed what weighs me down…
I can FLY.
At least in my mind I am STARTING to.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
You see THAT face????
It super sweet right?
Sweet like: telling me 100 times a day that he loves me.
Sweet like: hugging me so tight I can’t breathe.
THAT kind of LOVING and SWEET.
there are days where this sweet face DRIVE me NUTS!!!!!
He is completely, entirely, wholly emotional.
He walks around some days juggling all his feelings, trying DESPERATELY not to “drop” them.
And some days I feel as if all I do is try and navigate his heart.
It is exhausting.
As he has grown up I have always noticed that when he ate sugar…he seemed to AMPLIFY.
By AMPLIFY, I mean….
HARDER TO HANDLE
lately we have DRASTICALLY reduced his sugar intake.
It has been AMAZING.
He has been less……
We have even had days with NO FREAKOUTS.
In my search for summer treats with LESS SUGAR, I came across a recipe for “strawberry ice cream”.
I was in!!! ….
We tweaked it a bit, so here is OURS:
Put them in a blender..
And last night ….when we were going around the dinner table talking and telling our favorite parts of the day…
When it was Malachi’s turn- he said,
“My favorite part of the day was the ice cream. And I didn't”t even freak out!!!”
Friday, June 15, 2012
Have you ever looked at your kids and thought…
“Wow, I am WAY too flawed and broken to have helped make ANYTHING like that!!!”?????
Because I am REALLY flawed and broken and they are sooo PURE and WHOLE.
The past 2 weeks have been full of …
Driving and driving
Several times during the last few weeks I have found myself STARING at these girls in wonder…
Who will they be?
What is in store for them?
Where will they go?
What will they DO?
What does the future LOOK like???
Those questions seep from my mind like fog…
Slowly permeating EVERY PIECE of my soul.
I look at them and how beautiful and talented they are….
and I PRAY.
I pray that I have a good enough memory to remember
I want to remember every moment of this.
I want it to be PERMANENTLY embedded in my mind.
I want to be able to SMELL this in 50 years.
Thru all this …
1 thing kept coming to my mind???
How did I get so blessed????
How did I make it to HERE without RUINING anyone?
As I watched the girls dance I was so OVERWHELMINGLY PROUD of the gifts that God has given them..
As I sit on my bed now and write this…I feel FULL.
FULL of life and love and soooo GRATEFUL that I was given this GIFT of a life.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
As my Mom, sister, and niece drove away, all I could think through my hideously ugly cry was , “How could I have been so mean??? I just LEFT….without a thought as to what that MEANT at 19.
You see- at 19 you think you KNOW who you are.
You think you know what you want…..but really, you only know what you FEEL.
And at 19…I felt like leaving my small Texas town. I felt like IF I stayed….My life would SUFFER. At the time I wasn’t sure WHY, but I felt like I needed to go.
And if I am honest with myself…..I was right.
I needed to go….to explore…to find a better “fit” for my life.
I needed to become who I was meant to be.
But …in making that decision and following my heart….I UNKNOWINGLY made a life long decision.
I uprooted myself and then laid roots in another STATE.
Without realizing….at 19 I made the decision for my future children to live MILES and MILES from some of their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins and numerous extended family.
I made the decision to live a life partially separated from my family.
And – it is only at 35 that it is it hitting me HARD.
In my mind I walk a fine line.
I know that it was my destiny.
I followed God in my heart before I even knew it was H.I.M. in my heart. I HAD TO GO. My life there was headed in a direction that was not going to bring GLORY to anyone …much less GOD.
I know it was right.
But ….it is the times when I say goodbye that my mind goes back to the PAIN I have inflicted on them.
I ROBBED them of experiences that they would have had.
I made decisions that would affect LOTS of people.
And I cannot FATHOM one of my children leaving….
Which in turn….brings me back to the PAIN…
So..you see………I walk a thin line between being THANKFUL and SORROWFUL.
I am ENDLESSLY thankful for my life and FORGIVENESS God has shown me.
But….I am sorry that I had to be miles away to receive it.
It is a thin line indeed………….
To my family……I am sorry. Love, Jana