Milk Zombies and Land Mines.

Sometimes……Parenting SUCKS.

I know that isn’t popular….

but sometimes….

Parenting

just

plain

sucks.

It is difficult, and consuming…as it should be.

But lately…I feel a little like there has been a “game change”.

You see….when you start a family the PHYSICAL work is demanding.

You get no sleep, you walk around like a zombie milk factory that produces on demand….which is completely consuming(physically).

It is EXAUSTING!!!!!

Like…”throw yourself in front of a train” exhausting.

There are times when you feel like it will never end.

It feels ETERNAL.

But it isn’t.  It ends. Slowly.

Like “right under your nose”…it ends.  Time slips away and before you know it there are no more nursing pads, nipple cream, or dirty diapers.

It is GLORIOUS…for a second.

When I was busy having babies, I was tired, but I spent most of my time sitting and staring into the eyes of these little souls while I nursed them.

I listened to music, read books, and ROCKED…a lot.

And then…all of the sudden….they are different.

The work became…..more mental.

All the sudden…those babies, became people.

Like …real people.

With thoughts and concerns and emotions and issues.

And now…I find myself in a new unfamiliar place.

Adolescence and pre-teens ….is a strange place after years of “rocking”.

This  place  is littered with emotional  landmines…ready to go off at any minute.

It is a place that I am LEARNING to navigate.

I am also learning that diffusing a mine ahead of time is MUCH easier than cleaning up the mess from an “explosion”.

This is a fragile journey that is not for the “faint at heart”…we are in the heart of the “battle” and are standing our ground.

These children were given to me …IN CONFIDENCE.

I have no doubt that this was pre-ordained and planned.

I have no doubt that I am supposed to be right here…right now.

The problem is explaining to THEM that the lessons they are faced with are necessary, true experiences NEEDED to shape them into WHO THEY ARE MEANT TO BE.

This is HARD stuff.

Harder than whipping out a boob and changing a diaper …

THAT

IS

FOR

SURE.

Knee Deep……….

 

I am in the trenches of parenting these days.

I mean KNEE-DEEP in tons of issues.

Half-way up SEVERAL mountains.

Facing down my fears and trying my hardest to keep my head above water.

My kids are growing up which means DAYS of sorting out feelings and LOVING them thru it.

Gone are the days of just “keeping them alive”….

Those were the days…nurse,sleep,change. Repeat.

No…..

Now we are going DEEP into the heart of the issues….in the muddy trenches.  Sifting thru a mess of changes.

Sticky places that shape them for LIFE.

It is EXAUSTING.

And most of time I feel like I am failing…..

Flailing on all fronts.  And not succeeding in ANY of them.

Some days go by with little or no drama.

Well…little or very little drama.

There are rarely days with NO DRAMA…who are we kidding???

And some days ROCK ME.

Some days I feel like if I have to referee ONE>MORE>FIGHT, answer 1 more question, cook 1 more meal, teach 1 more lesson, or solve 1 more problem….

I will FREAK .

And some days I do…..freak.

More often than you would believe …trust me.

But more than anything I am learning thru these days that I am growing up too.

I am learning new things about myself and my journey everyday.

I am learning that sometimes the lessons are more for me to learn than they are for me to teach.

They are reflections of me.

I guess that is life right?

We ALL grow.

We ALL change.

And we ALL get a new chance tomorrow.

Thank goodness that we get re-dos and make-ups.

And thank goodness that if we truly pay attention in this life we realize that…..

We

are

forever

HIS

children.

We are given these struggles and “trenches” …

because we NEED them.

We need to constantly examine and look inside.

We need to continually check ourselves.

If we don’t…..

We soon realize that….

The mud in the trenches is heavy and suffocating.

And if we don’t KEEP MOVING…

We are bound to get STUCK.

Scary Stuff......

Pre-teen-  the beginning of puberty or the beginning of the teenage stage, the time frames in which adolescence is considered to begin.^[2][3][4] In terms of age in years, preadolescence is generally defined as the period from 9-14 years.

My life is changing....every minute.
I find myself traveling a ROCKY ROAD.
A road that moved me from "Mommy" to "Mom"...so quickly.
Sooo fast that I feel like my head is SPINNING.

You see....it has been COMING.
I have seen glimpses of it on the horizon...
and NOW...
IT
IS
HERE.

The PRE-TEEN years!!!!!

It has SLAPPED me in the face....REALITY, that is!!!

Shasha is 9 and Zeek is 11...which puts BOTH of them SMACK IN THE MIDDLE of it.
The crazy part is they have NO IDEA why they are freaking out.
They just FREAK OUT.
I try and tell them that their bodies are changing ..blah, blah, blah.
Who am I kidding....I try and tell MYSELF that.
But sometimes....I just stand and stare.
It is as if I am having an "out-of-body-experience"...I am there, but my mind has gone into THINK mode.

Take a breath.
Calm down.
RELAX.

I SAY all those things...while I wait.

I am waiting on the words...the words that seem to manifest themselves in times when I REALLY need guidance.

And then they come...
"You are CRAZY. WHO ARE YOU? Stop acting like a maniac!!!!"

Oh wait!!!....THOSE are the words that I say n my mind.
Those are the words that would be EASY.
Those are the words that would hurt and offer NOTHING.

So instead I try another road...
I try and explain that just because we FEEL a certain way DOES NOT MEAN we can act a certain way. We are all children of God and no one deserves to be talked nasty to.  I try and explain that their bodies are changing- they are starting the walk from kid to adult. I try and rtell them that they will have to face things that they cant imagine in their lives...and HOW they handle them is PROOF POSITIVE of the person they are. I try and tell them that no matter if I never see them misbehave...GOD does.

I also tell them that THOSE choices will have to be made for the
REST
OF
THEIR
LIVES.

The journey is never over.
We are forever students who SHOULD continually GROW and LEARN.

I pray they hear me...
Because if they DON'T...
We may be in trouble.
LOL

Too Blessed to be Stressed.....

My husband will be home on Sunday...I intend to come back to the blogging world then.

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Calgon..take me AWAY!!!!

As for now...between the kids, the dogs, the garden, the animals, and the RAGING PMS....I have NOTHING nice to say.

Maybe next week....Ill be back to myself.

Maybe I will be able to form a normal COMPLETE thought.

Maybe I will be able to get back to actually THINKING, rather than 24 hour a day/ 7 day a week parenting.

It has taken a toll on me....I have talked till I cant talk ANY MORE.

I just need a break...

Soon Come.

Till then I am repeating: Too blessed to be Stressed, Too Blessed to be stressed.

Lately Im Learning.....

Raising kids is like a battle sometimes.

It is a battle for their SOULS. A battle that can be fought FULLY or it can be fought half-heartedly.

I chose: FULLY, which is nothing less than "LIFE-consuming".
Nothing less that gut-wrenching DIRTY WORK.

It is the kind of job that makes you want to DISAPPEAR sometimes because you cant possible be doing this right.

Believe me I have gone to sleep MANY nights praying that my children don't turn out to be CRAZY, SELF-ABSORBED, LUNATICS....all because of MY sinful ways.
When they are little it is about teaching SURVIVAL SKILLS.

"No, dont do that." is ALWAYS for a good reason. It is always to keep them from hurting themselves or to keep them ALIVE! LOL.

In the beginning...We tell them no to keep them safe. To keep them from scraped knees and broken bones.

We tell them "No" for their own good...and they usually HEED our warnings.

But...as they get older it becomes about something that is MUCH bigger an MUCH deeper.

For the most part...It isn't about keeping their BODIES safe anymore, It is now about their SOULS.

As they get older, it is about THEM making their OWN judgements.

It is about them realizing that they are responsible for THEIR OWN actions...good or bad.

It is about teaching them to be able to DO what is right BECAUSE it was right.
Which is something that is EASIER said than DONE.
BUT...I believe that IF that lesson CAN be learned early...it will save them PRECIOUS TIME in the end.

I have been spending ALOT of time lately eye-to-eye with my children...talking it out.

Trying to LEAD them to recognize that their lives will only GLORIFY GOD if they make the RIGHT decisions..because it is the GODLY thing to do.

which...of course-
is not always the EASY thing to do.

But ...

We either STAND TALL to GODS standard...or FALL SHORT and live a less than FULL life.

I want my children to know that life CAN be full of Great experiences an LOVE.

But ...only if you hold tight to RIGHTEOUSNESS an live a life pleasing to HIM.

Explaining THAT to a 5,7,8 and 10 year old....yep-THAT is my life lately.

My PRIMARY calling.

My most important task.

Eye-to-eye ....we WILL talk it thru.

"You must raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. You cannot do so without investing yourself in a LIFE of sensitive communication in which you help them understan life an Gods world. There is nothing more important. You have only a brief season of life to invest yourself in this task."- Tedd Tripp

Unconditionally.......

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. ~John Wilmot



Perspective is a funny thing.

When we are wide eyed, and fresh to the world....
we think we KNOW it ALL.

We think that if only given the chance...
WE could solve it.

As if "it"(whatever it is) could be EASILY solved.

As a young girl, I remember telling my parents that, "I would NEVER do "THAT" to my kids."

or

"I would never say "that" to my kids"....LOL. We think we know it all.

And really...without going thru the TRENCHES of parenthood you DO NOT KNOW.

Until you are eye to eye in an UGLY standoff with your beloved child...you have NO IDEA.

Until you are given NO CHOICE but to spank...you won't "get it"..

Until YOU are responsible for the shepherding and training of YOUR children...you CAN'T.

Only LIFE EXPERIENCE can teach you those things.

Only being a parent and loving a child soooooo much that you think you might BURST...can do that.

I remember my parents saying to me, "You will NEVER know how much I love you...until you have a child of your own."

or

"I will ALWAYS love you...no matter what you DO."

Of course I at the time was a know-it-all BRAT who thought I knew EVERYTHING...so-those words were lost on me then.

But NOW- they echo for me like we are in an ampitheatre.

I hear it clearly today.

I understand it.

It resonates.

My Dad said to me yesterday(sorry Dad-he hates to be mentioned), "Jana-I love your blog.Is that what it is called? Anyway- sometimes I read it and think,I didnt know THAT" or "Why are we talking about this?" and sometimes I think, "HOW could this child have come from ME?But....whether we agree or not...I always love reading about it."

It made me feel blessed to have parents who still LOVE me so much.

I mean really...I have done some "not-so-loveable" things in my life.

But just like they told me when I was a child....

They will love me NO MATTER WHAT.

They have loved me my WHOLE LIFE, with a love that I NOW know - should not take for granted.

And thankfully they taught ME to love my kids the same way....

Unconditionally.

But- the PAST has also taught me that no matter what I say or do....
no matter how HARD I try to explain it...

my kids won't understand.

They can't.

Until they love a child of their OWN.

More than peas.....

I heard it all the way from the bedroom.

Crying....more like WHINING. The kind of whining that just EATS away at you.
It eats away at you like fingernails on a chalkboard...SLOWLY JUST etching away at your sanity. VERY SLOWLY.

Then there was Daddy. He was trying to "get his point across". A combination of yelling and cleaning. He was standing over the sink and scrubbing away at the dishes as if the plates, forks and cups from dinner were the stubborn part of Shasha.

He was scrubbing it away, as if it was THAT easy...while SPEAKING LOUDLY(yelling).

I walked into the living room to find all the kids but Shasha sitting on the couch.

Calmly. Not a good sign.

Then there was Shasha. She was sitting on the floor with her plate in front of her.
Everything eaten but the green peas.

She was laying on the floor begging. She wanted a salad instead of the peas. Which NORMALLY wouldn't be a problem BUT, she has a PROBLEM.

She NEEDS to be broken. Her spirit. It sucks. But- Its TRUE.

She has a problem with being stubborn. She has a problem with doing things that she doesn't want to do. She is a sinner. She wants to rebel. As did I.

I read in Tedd Tripps book "Shepherding a child's heart" something that really hit home for me.

"Children are not born morally and ethically neutral. The Bible teaches that the heart is "deceitful an desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9) The child's problem is not an information defecit. His problem is that he is a sinner. There are things within the heart of the sweetest little baby that,allowed to blossom and grow to fruitation, will bring about eventual destruction. "

Whoa.....amazing.

Maybe this is something that you only learn after having a few children and actually WITNESSING some of those things "blossom". It is true. It is in the NATURE of a child to test and try. To rebel and fight against what is easy, good, and RIGHT.

Trust me.

Some of them will fight with every cell of their being ...JUST to do what THEY want to do. Again. That part of parenting-SUCKS. It is a part that you never can prepare for. Noone ever says, "Your child will one day fight everything you say...JUST BECAUSE....It. is. in. them. From the beginning."

And even if someone DID say that...you would NEVER believe them. EVER.

Because...it is hard to believe that there is ANYTHING in that sweet, smushy, fresh child that be ANYTHING but HEAVENLY. But there is

But...it is there. And you can start to see it early. Some are more easily TRAINED OUT than others.

Shasha is one of the ones that is not easily "trained".
And Shasha left to "bloom" ...could end up in "eventual destruction."
She fights with her WHOLE SELF. She draws it up inside herself and she will stick it out.

Which is what I was afraid of when I saw her on the floor, fighting. Almost ...Just for the fight of it.

I bent down and said in a calm voice, "Shasha....Why are you fighting this. just eat the peas. If you dont...you WILL NOT have dessert. Everyone else will have dessert, but you WILL NOT. Why fight it when all you have to do is eat 1 bite of peas?"

" I don't WANT to Mom. Why can't I just have a salad?" she said in a WHINY voice. Again...so annoying. Side effect of having a 8 year old girl.

"Shashamane ...there are going to be times in your life when you HAVE to make a decision. You will have to pick the best of 2 options. Maybe 2 options you DON'T LIKE. And you will not have a choice....you will be FORCED by LIFE into taking the better of the 2 BAD options. RIGHT NOW is one of those times. You can eat the BITE of peas that you HATE, then GET your dessert. OR- You can NOT eat the peas...and NOT GET your dessert. Take the opportunity to pull it UP inside yourself. Make the RIGHT choice."

She was still crying...so I gave her 5 min.

In 5 minutes I was going to take the plate. Then the decision would be over.

Then I walked away.

4 minutes later I came back and said, "Are you going to make the RIGHT choice or the WRONG choice? It is up to you."

She took the bite of peas. Half willingly she took the bite.

I was thrilled. To me...It was a victory. She made a choice. and it was the RIGHT choice in THAT situation.

She was disgusted and mad. But she made the right decision. And she got dessert with the rest of them.
SCORE for Sweet Shasha in the fight for her SELF.

All the while I look on KNOWING she will be all right.

Because sometimes...
It isn't really about the PEAS.

It is about so much MORE.

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,

but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." Proverbs 22:15

No Guarantees.....but 1!!!

Raising kids is THE HARDEST JOB I have ever had.

An TRUST ME...I have had some JOBS.

The hardest thing about raising kids for me is the uncertainty of it all.

There are NO GUARANTEES...only TIME will tell.

I hear stories about other kids.

Tales of TOTAL disrespect...
To be honest - It TERRIFIES me...
Because- THERE are no GUARANTEES.

It IS NOT a GIVEN that just because I TEACH my children ABOUT God...They will KNOW him.
They have to make the journey INTO God themselves.
THEY have to WANT IT.

I am a believer that we are GIVEN these little souls by GOD....and NOT FOR FREE.
We are ORDAINED by God as parents to these kids.
We are EXPECTED to return them BETTER than they were given to us.

Not ASKED...EXPECTED.
Not WANTED...EXPECTED.

We are CALLED raise our children in "fear and admonition of the Lord."

THAT is our PRIMARY calling....

I want to look one day on my children and say, "Wow!!! They are AMAZING people!"

But-

That takes a LIFETIME of INVESTING in them.

Learning about them...which in turn teaches you about YOURSELF.
Trust me...

It takes training them FOREVER.

Teaching them things like how to tie their shoes
OR
How to be kind to one another and LOVE.

It is all the same.
It takes a KNOWLEDGE of something BIGGER then me.
Something STRONGER than me.
Something MORE LOVING than me.

In MY eyes....You CAN'T do it without GOD.
It takes his teachings.
It takes LISTENING.
And an INWARD EYE on yourself.
It takes a STUDENT.
Someone who is EVER CHANGING.
Someone who is WILLING to be wrong.
Because....
It is a LONG, WINDING road,
where we choose our battles,
fight the good fight,
and BEND as not to BREAK.

But parenting without God...
THAT HAS a guarantee...

Look around.

I bet you'll see.

Sacrifice......and shaving.

There was a time in my life when I never thought I would work again.
I thought I would just have babies forever....an ever.
I never thought too much about WHAT IT MEANT to be AWAY from your kids for work.

THAT was a "Daddy" job....an he did it well.
So well that....I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
EVER.
I was so consumed by motherhood that it never even dawned on me.
I just figured that would never change.
I never really APPRECIATED what it felt like to be "away"...even if it is for the sake of the family.
But--I am feeling it now!

For about the lasts year an a half I have been working on Friday/Sat nights from 7m-3am...as a cocktail waitress at Tradewinds Lounge.
Its a CRAZY job in a CRAZY FUN place.
But keeps me away on the weekends from the family.

I have ha my first experience with "Work guilt"....
It is silly I know.
But- because I am WITH THEM sooo much...I can't help but feel like a BIT of ME is missing when we are apart.
Sniff sniff.

I REALLY hit me last night....we had a SITUATION.

I was already feeling "weird" when I went to work because EVERYONE(Jay, kids, my SIL, friends, etc) were at the PARK.
Ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh...........
I wanted to be at the PARK.
But..I was at work.
For the sake of the family.

Ahhhhh.....Sacrifice.
BLAH.
Still sucks.

THEN ...to TOP it all off..
I got a CALL.

It was from my SIL Amy.
Shashamane(8) was spending the night with her cousin(also 8).
They were taking a bath after the beach...but AMy said that they were taking a LONG time.
So she went to investigate..
She opened the door an there they were....
SHAVING THEIR LEGS!!!!!!!

She said that Shasha THREW the razor when she saw Amy...
I am sure she was scared.

She KNEW she had done SOMETHING WRONG...even if she wasn't sure WHAT.

"Are you going to tell my MOM???" said Shasha CRYING.
Amy said, "Yes, Shasha...because I would want her to tell me. An she WOULD."

She was RIGHT...I would HAVE to tell her.
An NOT JUST BECAUSE of the missing HAIR on her 8 year old CHILDS legs. LOL

Shasha was SOOOOOOOOOO upset.
But Amy called an told me anyway...
An AT THAT MOMENT I felt like I missed a MOMENT.

You know...one of those moments that are BENCHMARKS.

After laughing REALLY HARD...I said, "Let me talk to Shasha."

Needless to say...she was still crying.
I said, "Shasha, I want you to quit crying. I have never TOLD you not to do that. You are not in trouble. But you KNEW that you int FEEL RIGHT about doing it, or you wouldn't be crying. So stop crying. I am not mad at you, but I woul have like to have BEEN THERE for that. I would have liked to TEACH you the right way....when it was the right time. "

"Yes maam.....(insert BAWLING)"

She was truly sorry...it was sad for BOTH of us.
It was the first of MANY of those moments ...I am sure.

Safe to say...it taught me a couple of things.

1. Be proactive in these lessons. They are comming fast andd furious now. LORD, help me raise 4 GREAT KIDS!!!

2. It taught me to appreciate what people who have to be away from their kids must feel like...kinda.

Time is SPEEDING BY...QUICKLY.
An we MUST appreciate every moment together.

LOL

I am FOREVER a student....of GOD.
ALWAYS LEARNING....ever changing.

WOW!! What a journey this is....