It was the first time I had ever been TERRIFIED to open the door at The Dance Company.
I had opened and closed those doors 1000’s of times probably.
On Monday when my hand grabbed the handle and opened the door, it was FOR ME.
I was the one there for class.
My first ballet class in almost DECADES.
I was terrified.
Literally..sweating in places you DON’T want to sweat.
I was horrified.
“Would I make a fool of myself?”
“Would I BE ABLE to do it?”
“Would I remember ANYTHING?”
“Oh My Goodness!!!! What in the HELL am I doing????”
“Will I look like a total A-hole if I turn around and RUN????”
All those thoughts went thru my head in the millisecond before I stepped into the studio.
I am not going to lie….
I would have done almost ANYTHING Monday to get out of going.
the day kept ticking along and the girls kept asking about the tumbling class they were going to across the hall at the same time.
I was stuck.
I had to do it.
I didn’t want them to remember me SAYING I was going to take ballet and then …chickening out.
I want them to remember me being terrified but doing it anyway.
there I was opening the door…
facing my fears…
stepping up to the plate…
But..I was there.
I was MELTING…but- I was there.
I said my hellos to everyone and took a place at the barre.
It felt unnatural and scary.
But, as I looked around I realized that EVERYONE was as nervous as I was. Everyone was facing their own fears at that moment.
It was empowering.
As we spent the next hour and 15 minutes giggling and getting to know each other as we ATTEMPTED to be graceful and gran jette across the floor…something happened.
That room, that class started to melt away my self doubt.
As I showed up for class on Thursday night I felt different.
I wasn’t terrified.
I was SCARED…let’s be REAL.
But- I wasn’t terrified.
And as I put my hand on the barre this time…it felt a little more natural.
Not quite SO long ago.
As the music started and we started doing barre exercises I realized something…..
Taking ballet at 35 is COMPLETELY different than taking ballet at 10.
At 10 you have NO INHABITIONS…
At 10 you aren’t weighed down with self-doubt and fear.
At 10 you LOVE yourself.
At 10 you hold your head HIGH.
Then something changes you.
At 35…it is surprisingly hard for me to hold my head and chin up as you see a ballerina do.
At 35…it is hard for me to relax enough in class to quit fidgeting with my face.
At 35…I am heavy, but it is not my WEIGHT that holds me down.
It is my mind.
As a woman thru my life I have only bound tighter inside myself.
Thru ballet at 35- I am learning that when I really shed what weighs me down…
I can FLY.
At least in my mind I am STARTING to.