As my Mom, sister, and niece drove away, all I could think through my hideously ugly cry was , “How could I have been so mean??? I just LEFT….without a thought as to what that MEANT at 19.
You see- at 19 you think you KNOW who you are.
You think you know what you want…..but really, you only know what you FEEL.
And at 19…I felt like leaving my small Texas town. I felt like IF I stayed….My life would SUFFER. At the time I wasn’t sure WHY, but I felt like I needed to go.
And if I am honest with myself…..I was right.
I needed to go….to explore…to find a better “fit” for my life.
I needed to become who I was meant to be.
But …in making that decision and following my heart….I UNKNOWINGLY made a life long decision.
I uprooted myself and then laid roots in another STATE.
Without realizing….at 19 I made the decision for my future children to live MILES and MILES from some of their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins and numerous extended family.
I made the decision to live a life partially separated from my family.
And – it is only at 35 that it is it hitting me HARD.
In my mind I walk a fine line.
I know that it was my destiny.
I followed God in my heart before I even knew it was H.I.M. in my heart. I HAD TO GO. My life there was headed in a direction that was not going to bring GLORY to anyone …much less GOD.
I know it was right.
But ….it is the times when I say goodbye that my mind goes back to the PAIN I have inflicted on them.
I ROBBED them of experiences that they would have had.
I made decisions that would affect LOTS of people.
And I cannot FATHOM one of my children leaving….
Which in turn….brings me back to the PAIN…
So..you see………I walk a thin line between being THANKFUL and SORROWFUL.
I am ENDLESSLY thankful for my life and FORGIVENESS God has shown me.
But….I am sorry that I had to be miles away to receive it.
It is a thin line indeed………….
To my family……I am sorry. Love, Jana