Friday, May 16, 2014


It happens every year....right about this time.
My focus drifts.
My doubts stir.
My mind starts to wander.

Did we DO enough math?
Baking counts as Home EC right?
Does walking around downtown count as a field trip? really?
Should I have read more to them?
Did we get in enough writing?
Science experiments we can be made up in the summer...right?
What I am trying to wrap my head around is....
Are they "smart enough"?
Did we make progress?
Which can quickly spiral into ...
"Am I enough?" followed by "Who am I kidding? I'm not smart enough to DO this!!!"

I know.
Don't judge.
I'm giving you a window here...LOL.

I try and reassure myself that:
3. I CAN do this.

But the reality is....
I doubt. I stew. I lose sleep. I WORRY...ALOT.
I want to be the kind of homeschool mom  who is completely confident and has her shit together.
Sometimes I do.
But...lots of times..
I don't.
Lots of times those positive posts on facebook are directed TO me...from ME.
Trust me....the battle I fight inside my self is constant.
I figure that's what saves me.   If I worry and stress about how good of a job I'm doing...I MUST be doing it right. Right?

So I spend days and nights praying that it was enough.
Praying that this year...we made progress.
Praying that were better off than where we started.
That's what I want.

And that's usually when it happens....
Life throws me a sign.
A glimmer of hope that it was a success.

This year it was when I walked into the room and Zeek was doing a FLVS(Fl.Virtual school ) collaborative lesson.
They have to do these 2 times a year.  They get on with their teacher and a bunch of students and have a virtual lesson...where they type and speak to one another.  Answer questions, etc.
Its all very Jetsons to me...but we're there.
They were learning how to write and an argumentative essay.
They had to choose a side of and issue and write a paper arguing WHY their side was right, using research, quotes, stats, etc.
The issue was......
Should kids be made to volunteer in their community in order to graduate?

So I walked into the room and Zeek has his arms crossed and isn't typing when everyone else in the "chatroom" is.
"Why aren't you typing? aren't you supposed to be typing and participating?" I said to him.
He looked at me and said, "Not right now.  All these people think that you SHOULDN'T have to volunteer in order to graduate.  I'm not typing because I'm the ONLY one who doesn't think that."

I love him.

Then I stood there and listened as the students one by one came on the microphone and spoke about the fact that kids shouldn't be forced to do things they don't want to do, they should do things that come from THEIR heart...not because they are being MADE to.

I heard a kid say that those things aren't important to getting a job and being in the "real world".

Some one said that getting an education and getting SMART was a kids job...not helping people who wont help themselves.
Blah Blah Blah.

What a world.

And there Zeek STOOD.....arms crossed and not typing.

He stood on the other side.....the RIGHT side.

His chart was filled with reasons that you SHOULD be made to volunteer before graduating.

he said ...
"Helping people  makes the world a better place."
"Volunteering helps you see how good you have it in your life."
"Teenagers have a lot of energy and they need to use it doing something good."

What a world indeed.

An education of the heart is as important, if not an education of the mind.

And that my PROGRESS.
Progress enough for me.

At that moment...
My eyes filled with tears and the doubt ran down my cheeks.

I stood there behind him and knew we were fine.
We passed.


momlovestosing said...

I applaud you for your efforts in teaching your children to serve others. I, too, am a homeschooling mother in Florida, and we, my children and I, volunteer at the local retirement village... because we want to. That's _volunteering_.

Anonymous said...

You are doing a great job! I often feel the same way, am I being a Godly mother? God gave you the want and the ability to teach and reach your children's hearts and minds, and you are. Good summer reads you should check out: Eckhart Tolle and Louise Hayes. When I doubt myself, they help. Jennifer

obat darah tinggi said...

nice post and page :)

Kerri Riley said...

I needed this as a fellow self doubting homeschooling mom. I'm always questioning my ability as a parent and teacher. I need to remember that God flows through us and will feed my children the lessons they need to learn in life. Congrats on raising beautiful, intelligent souls. -Kerri Riley