This GIFT….

Have you ever looked at your kids and thought…

“Wow, I am WAY too flawed and broken to have helped make ANYTHING like that!!!”?????

I have……..

A lot……..

Because I am REALLY flawed and broken and they are sooo PURE and WHOLE.

The past 2 weeks have been full of …

costumes

make-up

tights

friends

hair pieces

Driving and driving

teacher gifts

dress rehearsals

family

cousins

bobby pins

buns

quick changes

sweat

and

recitals.

Several times during the last few weeks I have found myself STARING at these girls in wonder…

Who will they be?

What is in store for them?

Where will they go?

What will they DO?

What does the future LOOK like???

Those questions seep from my mind like fog…

Slowly permeating EVERY PIECE of my soul.

I look at them and how beautiful and talented they are….

and I PRAY.

I pray that I have a good enough memory to remember

every

single

thing.

I want to remember every moment of this.

I want it to be PERMANENTLY embedded in my mind.

I want to be able to SMELL this in 50 years.

Thru all this …

1 thing kept coming to my mind???

How did I get so blessed????

How did I make it to HERE without RUINING anyone?

yet…LOL

As I watched the girls dance I was so OVERWHELMINGLY PROUD of the gifts that God has given them..

As I sit on my bed now and write this…I feel FULL.

FULL of life and love and soooo GRATEFUL that I was given this GIFT of a life.

A thin line…….

As my Mom, sister, and niece drove away, all I could think through my hideously ugly cry was , “How could I have been so mean???  I just LEFT….without a thought as to what that MEANT at 19.

You see- at 19 you think you KNOW who you are.

You think you know what you want…..but really, you only know what you FEEL.

And at 19…I felt like leaving my small Texas town.  I felt like IF I stayed….My life would SUFFER.  At the time I wasn’t sure WHY, but I felt like I needed to go.

And if I am honest with myself…..I was right.

I needed to go….to explore…to find a better “fit” for my life.

I needed to become who I was meant to be.

But …in making that decision and following my heart….I UNKNOWINGLY made a life long decision.

I uprooted myself and then laid roots in another STATE.

Without realizing….at 19 I made the decision for my future children to live MILES and MILES from some of their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins and numerous extended family.

I made the decision to live a life partially separated from my family.

And –  it is only at 35 that it  is it hitting me HARD.

In my mind I walk a fine line.

I know that it was my destiny. 

I

AM

EXACTLY

WHERE

I

NEED

TO

BE.

I followed God in my heart before I even knew it was H.I.M. in my heart.  I HAD TO GO. My life there was headed in a direction that was not going to bring GLORY to anyone …much less GOD.

Trust me……….

I know it was right.

But ….it is the times when I say goodbye that my mind goes back to the PAIN I have inflicted on them.

I ROBBED them of experiences that they would have had.

I made decisions that would affect LOTS of people.

And I cannot FATHOM one of my children leaving….

Which in turn….brings me back to the PAIN…

So..you see………I walk a thin line between being THANKFUL and SORROWFUL.

I am ENDLESSLY thankful for my life and FORGIVENESS God has shown me.

But….I am sorry that I had to be miles away to receive it.

It is a thin line indeed………….

PS:

To my family……I am sorry. Love, Jana

If you give a kid a camera……