It always happens at this time of year….
I see all the pictures, hear about all the parties, and listen as all my “public school” mom friends talk about the ceremonies and awards their kids get when they “graduate” at each grade level.
Don’t get me wrong-
I LOVE to hear about all the accomplishments that these sweet kids achieve.
I love to see the pictures of the end of school parties and all the teacher gifts given from the ideas on Pinterest.
I adore seeing the “graduations” and the smiling teachers with their students.
I love it….I do.
But…..there is always a “but” isn't there??? I am broken after all.
But…It is always at this time of year that I feel THE MOST inadequate.
It is always at this time of year that I COVET all the awards ceremonies and certificates given to students that were NOT on a paper towel.
I try not to….I really do.
I try NOT to feel guilty when my “graduating” 5th grader doesn't get to run down the hall of his elementary school and get high fives from everyone.
I try….but I fail.
I fail because as much as I WANT it not to matter…..I am at times still yucky inside. I can’t help but feel like it MUST be something that still needs growth inside of me. It must be a lesson I still need to learn.
It still SEEPS in. I feel like I didn’t do ENOUGH.
I know that in the decision to homeschool is also the decision to not NEED outside validation.
In other words….
When I decided to homeschool I made the decision that I wasn’t going to NEED someone else to tell me that my kids “graduated”.
I didn’t need a state-test to tell me that my kids were “on track”.
When I made the decision to homeschool I made the decision that the kids would NOT get awards and certificates or have “last day” parties.
I made that decision KNOWING that our “school” would look different from public school.
And for the most part I am ok with what “our school” looks like.
I am learning to be ok with our “graduation/last day party” going something like this:
Me(opening up the back door after lunch): “Happy Summer guys! School is out. You all just moved up a grade.”
The kids(while cleaning out the chicken coop and picking up pine-cones): “Cool! Can we have a popsicle?”
I am learning that my life is where it is because there are still “lessons” I need to learn.
I still need to learn that I don’t need that outside validation.
I need to learn that because I am doing my best and putting in 100%…God is pleased. I know that I am doing my best and my best it good enough.
I need to learn that it doesn't take a “report card” to know how well my kids are doing…. I see their work everyday.
I need to learn that we don’t need to have a “last day of school party” to feel like we CONQUERED it…..because WE CONQUERED IT.
I still need to learn NOT to covet all those things that give me that “comfortable” feeling…like REAL certificates and student-of-the-week awards.
As much as I want to feel so independent…
As much as I want to NOT care……..
As much as I want to just be carefree about it.
There are still parts of me that let those awards and certificates make me feel inadequate…
That is where my “lessons” are.
I need to learn that my life is my classroom …and maybe-