Last night at work I sat and listened to two of my friends talk about the yoga classes they liked the best, what times the classes were and how GREAT they felt afterwards.
As I listened to them I envisioned a time in my life when I could GET TO my favorite classes with my favorite people.
I would love to do sun salutations each and every morning with them….instead I pop in every couple of months for a few days to say hello to my mat and sweaty friends.
Mainly to remind myself that I still CAN do a zillion downward dogs and planks.
I would LOVE to make it to ballet every Monday and Thursday like I had intended….some of my favorite people are there. Instead I run in every once in a while and try to act like I have a CLUE what I am doing.
Which mainly means making fun of myself the entire time….while trying to grand plié 1000 times without my knees cracking. LOL.
I used to fight it and make plans every week to …DO BETTER.
Then every time my LIFE got in the way ….I would beat myself up.
And as I listened to my friends last night I realized….
I am resigned to the fact that ONE DAY…I will come first.
Today is not that day.
Today I will come last on my list.
I am ok with that.
I
made
that
choice.
I made the decision to have a big family that requires ALL of my time at this point.
I wouldn’t change it. Ever.
I am knee deep in hormones and eye-rolls, tiny bras and stomping feet, painted nails and sibling rivalry. I am struggling with mourning friendships and trying to keep my heart from hardening.
My life at THIS POINT requires my time and devotion.
I want to be present for every moment.
I think it is wonderful when a Mom can devote some time to herself everyday. I don’t know 1, by the way. But, I think it is a wonderful idea.
As for me…
I cant. I try. I fail.
Just being REAL.
I am hopelessly devoted to my family and know in my heart that THIS
IS
WHERE
I
AM
NEEDED
RIGHT
NOW.
All that said….I have confidence that the hat I wear today will change tomorrow. As my children grow into themselves…my life will change.
Until then….
As I referee arguments I will dream of the painting classes …I will take at the Art association in 20 years.
As I wash another load of dirty clothes… I will daydream of the yoga I will do every morning at sunrise.
As I teach the kids their spelling words and put band-aids on their cuts I will allow my mind to drift to a season in my life in the future when my children are grown and I can take as many classes and read as many books as I please.
As I run the kids to THEIR ballet classes and football games…I will try and remember that in life there are seasons.
As for right now….I know where I am and I love it.
I figure my season will come….eventually.
It makes me wonder who I will be…in the season of ME.
4 comments:
Family first
Love live love! We are mothers and to think you have 4!! I have 1 (one wonderful, amazing 1) and work full time and still get no me time. But like you, I know my me time will come and by then I'll yearn for these times again. I love you, Jana!!!!
Marisa Z.
BEAUTIFUL, JANA! Yes, you are right where you are supposed to be! I didn't even know there was a choice when mine were growing up! I am so glad there are more choices and discussion about "self-care"....most of it written with heartfelt sincerety by folks who do not have children.LOL (just an observation from my past 4 yrs. in research )and the children grow up so fast! All I ever wanted to be when "I grew up" was a Mother....and I was very blessed!
Now I have time for Tai Chi and
friends..I am working again, and
finding the new me! This season is also rewarding and fun. BOTTOM LINE: Your Mantra... about "being content in all circumstances" is KEY! Stay positive and keep writing! It is a glimpse into your beautiful soul...and keep "dipping your toe" into the the lake of Yoga and Ballet and good friends, when you can fit it in!
LOVE YOU< Mimi (Hadden)
Enjoy the season, savor everyone crazy moment. There will come a day when the kids will be grown and life as you know it now will be a memory. I long for the days filled with five crazy kids running around making a mess. Four of my babies are grown now with lives and dreams of their own making things happen. The house is quiet and there is time now but oh how I long for those sweet days sometimes. Love your blog. So happy I came across it today.You've helped me be grateful for my journey and where I am today. Blessings and Love from one mama to another
Post a Comment