Soul Sister Sunday….on Wednesday!!!

SMOKE AND MIRRORS  by Shainee Ellison

It was upon us. The husband's annual  work Christmas party. I've grown to look forward to this event each year, especially since my bestie Jana works with Matt now. Jana and I relish in the fact that it is one of our only "real" opportunities a year to glam it up for a night  out with our babies daddies, and glam it up we do.  I do believe the husbands think our gusto is a bit over the top. Imagine that?
   THREE days before the party ( got to love procrastination or the mindset that we Mama's work best under pressure) Jana and I , with three little budding fashionista's headed to the mall with our game faces on..... Literally! The stores screamed out bright colors and glittery displays begging our eyes to look and our bodies to follow suite. Carefully, painstakingly, we tried dress on after dress, outfit after outfit. For me, my biggest issue is at 5'7, which isn't THAT tall, all the dresses resembled long shirts. One sales girl overhearing us talk about how SMALL everything was, was glad to inform us this was a juniors store. Hey we had juniors with us! ( ;  After MANY hours with our three little helpers we were all tired and hungry. We all seemed relieved to be at the fun part of the trip...food court time!
     The day of the party arrived and I wasn't feeling great. The dress I had got suddenly seemed like a torture device. Wearing that all night would be super uncomfortable. Uh-oh my mindset of fashion over comfort was quickly leaving my mind. Houston, we have a problem. See, once I lose that mentality, it is all downhill from there. So off to Ross I went, 3 hours before the party thinking I can find something and I did...for $6.99!!!! Malls shmalls! I raced home with the "I think I can" mindset, trying to prep my brain for the transformation from tired, ill feeling mama, to glamour queen.
     The problem with me is I am a massive homebody. I love the comforts of my space, the warm colors, smells, and sounds of my home. That said I was in a "home" mood bad so I needed to pep talk myself and get her done!
1 .Sprayed myself to a lovely orangey -tan shade-Check
2, Hair sprayed, curled, and molded to a big hair level-Check
3. Make-up applied with a spray gun to last all night-Check
4. Fake nails on and painted-----never happened!
5. 20 inch heals duct tapped around my ankles so I didn't die-Check-just kidding!
6. And last but not least, my screaming into the mirror, "You feel hot" ....not!-Check
     As I walked out my oldest said,"Hey there super model", and my youngest said ,"Wow Mommy!" Then the most important opinion, my mans. He couldn't stop singing my praises. So even though inside I felt like the mama that teaches in her pj's most days, my family made me feel really beautiful. Mindset changed.  So as I sit here and write this in the comforts of my home, sipping coffee, STILL in my Pj's I know that deep down inside that girl is in there. The one I call out ever so rarely. The one that LOVES playing dress up. And you know what , she looks fabulous<3

Just FINE……………

Sometimes people ask, “WHY do you homeschool???”

I always stand there…STUNNED for a minute.

There are SOOOOOO MANY reasons WHY I homeschool, it always FEELS heavy when someone asks….Like there is JUDGEMENT in there somewhere.

I mean REALLY???? Is THAT a question that NEEDS to be asked today??? I would never say to someone, “WHY do you put your kids in PUBLIC school????”

NEVER.

Because …

THERE

IS

JUDGEMENT

IN

THAT

QUESTION.

And in the words of Ziggy Marley…

“I don’t condemn. I don’t convert.”

I love homeschooling….AND I realize that not everyone CAN homeschool, for 1 reason or another.

But…for ME:

I love the HUGE, MASSIVE Responsibility of teaching all my 4 children EVERYTHING they know.

It is DAUNTING…and HEAVY, but I would have it

NO

OTHER

WAY.

Trust me…It is HUGE.

I know.

I FEEL IT.

And the anxiety and worry that comes with homeschooling is UNBELIEVABLE.

Are my kids doing what THEY are?

Are my kids reading THAT?

Are my kids as smart as THEM?

All these thoughts have run through my head 1000’s of times like a replaying record….skipping.

There is not 1 DAY that goes by that I am not aware that I am the AMBASSADOR for the FUTURE of these kids.

HUGE.

HEAVY.

MASSIVE.

I feel it.

I have doubts everyday….

CAN I do this?

SHOULD I do this?

WHY am I doing this?

We are on our 6th year of homeschooling and I am only SLIGHTLY more confident than I was the 1st year!!! LOL'

But everyday I tell myself a few things:

I am BRAVE

I am STRONG

and

NOONE is more INVESTED in these children than ME.

And when I need it…

GOD reassures me that I am on MY journey.

I am following HIS lead.

I am teaching MORE than MATH.

By homeschooling them and having them TOGETHER all the time, I am fostering something beautiful between them.

I am giving them a gift…an opportunity to GROW something sweet inside themselves.

And sometimes…right when I feel TOO run down, or TOO tired I am given a SIGN.

A sign that says, ”You are doing something RIGHT.”

THAT is what happened last night….

We had gone to Jacksonville for the annual Holiday dinner and were all totally stuffed and tired when we left…so on the way home – the girls fell asleep.

We pulled in the driveway and I prepared myself to get Sheba and carry her inside.

But…

By the time I got to the back door of the van, Zeek was there and he said , “No, Mom…I got her” , and he picks up his sleeping, heavy 6 year old sister and carries toward the door.

As I walk behind them, I see her wake up and look to see WHO is carrying her.  When she sees it is Zeek, she smiles and lays her head back down on his shoulder…confident that her brother has her.

AMAZING.

It really made me feel BLESSED and touched.

It reminded me that we don’t have to be ANYONE else but US.

We don’t have to COMPETE.

We are doing JUST FINE…………………..

Crafty.

Clever

Life has a way of always giving me exactly what I need.

It may not always be what I WANT….but it is

ALWAYS

WHAT

I

NEED.

Every time.

God has a funny way of “insuring” that.

HE is CLEVER.

He has a special way of keeping me on my toes….as long as I keep my EYES open.

We had it planned for WEEKS.

Sunday.

Shopping for party dresses with my BFF Shainee and the girls.

I was looking forward to it….

till it got closer and closer.

I started to dread it because I was worried that I wouldn’t find ANYTHING on such short notice(party = 3 days away) and that the girls we’re coming with us.

I thought it would be TOO MUCH to take two 9 year olds and a 6 year old to the mall shopping….for US.

NOT THEM.

US.

Sunday morning came and I started to get nervous….

Would they be good? Was this a mistake?

I gave them the “You better be good. This is a TRIAL run on shopping trips. If you cause me problems….you will PAY” speech and we were off.

I was afraid it would be  a LONG day shopping with the 3 girls and my “SMOKIN HOTT, CAN PUT ON ANYTHING AND LOOK GREAT” BFF…..

“This should be fun” I thought when I was getting ready…..

NOT.

My last facebook status before we left said, “About to head out with 3 little girls and my BFF Shainee Zimmerman Ellison to shop for a dress to wear to the TW party. ♥ LORD, Help me remember I am perfectly made....no matter what the CRAZY dressing room mirrors try to tell me....I am perfectly me.”

I was putting 1 foot in front of the other. Trying to convince myself that this would be “fun”. …..I mean, I was going shopping at a MALL with my BFF and 3 little girls.

“THIS will be great” I thought as we pulled out of the driveway….pushing all the negative self –talk down in my head.

THINK POSITIVE.

Then it hit me….

there was a reason that I was BLESSED with these girls.

There was a reason that I have daughters…

I could have had 4 sons, but I NEEDED the experience of daughters.

It is as much about ME as it is about them.

GOD ALWAYS HAS A PLAN.

He is soo clever.

He always knew that I secretly hated myself and my body.

He always knew that even when I was “hott” …I was NOT.

He always knew that in my mind….I don’t see what others see.

He always knew that would blanket me in vanity.

HE ALWAYS KNEW.

No matter how much I ignored HIM….He KNEW.

He saw.

No matter how much I tried to hide…

He found me…... and brought me on a journey to

MY LIFE TODAY.

Today, in my life,  with 2 daughters(9 and 6) …

There can be NO NEGATIVE SELF-TALK.

There can be no grumbles and pouting when I need a Large instead of a Medium.

There can be no sulking when the only thing that fits me in a store are the handbags and earrings.

There can be no SELF-PITY when I look in the dressing room mirror and see stretch marks and curves that come with 35 years of LIFE and 4 children.

Because when I walk out of that dressing room with an outfit CLEARLY doesn’t do ANYTHING for me …..

They see ME.

They LOVE me for me.

THEY think I am FABULOUS.

They think I am FLY.

AND…..I am AWARE that they are

WATCHING.

They are SOAKING it all in…..little sponges watching me look at MYSELF.

Learning from ME how to LOOK at themselves.

WOW.

He is CLEVER….

Oh so, CLEVER.

Soul Sister Sunday...2

It is our 2nd "Soul Sister Sunday".
My BFF Shainee is writing on Sundays for me...
Can you say AWESOME?????
Here is her 2nd post..
ENJOY!!!!

To Have and to Hold By Shainee Ellison

It's funny how the years blaze past our eye's at a speed so fast, I feel I sometimes


need to stop and catch my breath. My very wise Mama always instilled in my brain

that marriage had many periods of growth and change. The years of the children being little would be almost totally about their needs. Then after the children begin to grow, then you will rediscover the joy of why you and the father of your babies fell in love in the first place. She told me that the longer you are together, the more you appreciate each other, act like each other and grow together..



I believed all of that whole heartedly, I really did.I saw that with my own beautiful parents. Still..... in the early years of our boys, that seemed like a far off fantasy world and to be honest it sounded downright awful! Time together for just us without our boys clinging to us? I didn't even really want it to be honest. All I could focus on was raising those precious babies and the thought of them gaining independence from me seemed like a million years away.



Well those "million years" rolled by sooner than I could have imagined, and I do mean in the blink of an eye, our little boys were older boys. A lot of the time, they now don't want to run errands with us. I mean being drug around with the folks, how lame? They have lives, friends, and much more interesting plans than to go thrift shopping and lunch with the "rents". So here it was, what my Mama had prepped me for. The time when it was back to us. For years the idea of the boys being more independent of us TERRIFIED me. I was a mama and that was all I had really known for so many years. Even though I was still VERY needed, it was a different type of needed. Still I had two choices, lay down and cry about life's changes and try not to stalk other people's little children, ( LOL!) or try to enjoy this new found freedom. I chose door #2.



I can say in all honesty, the time spent alone rediscovering my husband has been down right wonderful and I am enjoying the heck our "dates". I am relearning how funny, handsome, and down right adorable this man is. I am realizing, that the boy I met 21 years ago and that I feel head over heels in love with is still here and that he never left, he just put on the Daddy, provider hat and rolled with it. I guess in retrospect, the girl he feel in love with never left either. She just put on the Mommy hat and buckled down and raised his babies. As minutes turn into hours, hours to days, and days to years, I look forward to the adventures we will have, memories that will be made, milestones that we will watch our sons cross into manhood and hopefully, prayfully grow up to be a lot like the man I have had the pleasure to share this crazy adventure called marriage with.

School…in pictures.

Grace and Growing…..

 

Life is a journey.

Sometimes it becomes totally evident that WE RE STILL LEARNING.

As parents and as adults…we are still students of LIFE.

Even when our intentions are nothing but GOOD….sometimes we make mistakes.

THAT is exactly what happened the other day when my BFF Shainee wrote a guest post on my blog.  I had been trying to get her to write for me for a while, she is amazingly funny and insightful.

So she did…read it HERE so that you will understand.

I was right,  it was funny and insightful.

A story about a homeschool Moms journey as her son grows up.

We were both so excited and felt pretty good about the whole thing.

Then….I posted it on Facebook….and so did she.

Which meant that her 15 year old son and all HIS FRIENDS saw the blog.

Apparently…..we are idiots and didn’t even THINK about that fact that we were posting his PIN number and a story that HE MAY THINK would be embarrassing.

DUMB.

I got a text that went something like this:

“Change the PIN NUMBER!!!!” LOL

I stood there in shock for the first few minutes…

OMG….we really just did that with no thought to what HE MAY THINK. WOW.

Major FAIL in the parenting department….LOL.

It made me think about how as parents,  sometimes we feel “adjusted” to our kids. Sometimes we feel like we are STEADY with them…we KNOW our relationship.

We feel secure in where we stand and how we feel and how they feel.  We feel SATURATED enough in each others lives that we are “IN TUNE”….

And then something happens that puts things in perspective.

Sometimes things happens that make you realize ….

YOU

HAVE

NO

IDEA.

And we get comfortable.

We get used to our kids the way they are.

We forget that they are ever-changing.

We forget that as they grow…we must adjust and bend.

So….It was a definite life lesson.

It made me grateful that we get-

a “learning-curve”

we get mistakes

and second chances….in life.

We get FORGIVENESS…..

from our kids and from GOD.

It made me thankful for GRACE…

and for those who give it.

“Soul Sister Sunday”…..on Monday.

Soul Sister: A girl who enters your life and you instantly connect to. Someone who knows you and appreciates you for who you are.  She is someone that you don’t actually have to SEE to FEEL. Someone you are connected to…no matter what.

I am BLESSED to have some of those in my life.
One of my VERY BEST FRIENDS is named Shainee.  She is an amazing God-fearing woman who is ALWAYS down for me.
We talk DAILY and she is always telling me funny stories about life, homeschooling, and her family.
I have been trying to get her to GUEST POST on my blog for a while…
and she FINALLY DID.
And as you will read …..she did GREAT!!!!
So great that I am making her write for me every week!!!!
I’m calling it “Soul Sister Sunday”……
ENJOY!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was the day. I felt like super homeschool mom to be honest. Patting myself on the back, I drove my 15 (yes that's right, 15) year old son to open up his very first bank account with a significant first deposit, that he had saved himself playing in his band. In my mind I thought that people must think I am such a smart mom, teaching her son to save.
     As we walked into the bank, I had this immense pride in the fact that while other 15 year olds could barely wake up to get to school, I had a straight A, musically gifted, little financial dynamo that was very maturely wanting to save in something other then his piggy bank. The teller greeted us with a smile asking how she could help us. I , trying to hide my stupid"proud mama" smile that I wore ear to ear responded with our intentions. She said, "How wonderful at his age!", and told us to take a seat and the president would be with us shortly.
    Now mind you, I have very little love for banking institutions but understand they are a necessary evil. That said, "THE President was helping MY son!!!!!!" As he called us into his office and asked how he could help us, I explained that my son was making a lot of cash playing in his locally popular band and name dropped all the places they play. To my defense, for this I am  now, so ashamed. Wink, wink. He responded in admiration and said how they have very few 15 year olds opening accounts, and what a responsible young man he was. Score one for the homeschool mama! This was going as wonderfully as I thought.
    Once all the formalities were in place, he told us he would set up an online account right then and there with him so he understood how it worked. Mission accomplished, my homeschooled son was a mature, well educated, functioning human being in this world,and this bank president knew it! Then it happened, the perfect image I had painted quickly began to fade and fade quickly it did.
     The banker smiled at me and said that he needed to set up some privacy questions for sons account safety. "Of course", I replied and looked to my boy with approval. Then came the first question, "What is the 4 digit pin you would like to use?' My son smiled and instantly said, 1956, the year the Grateful Dead started playing. It was at this moment I noticed the Dead t-shirt he was sporting. No biggie, I love The Dead. Next question, "What is you fathers middle name?" No brainer right? Wrong! My husband goes by his middle name and it became quite apparent that  my son had his father's  middle and first name confused. I started to feel a little clammy. This was not what an intelligent homeschooled genius looks like. The banker looked amused and at this point I am wondering if this banker might think my little hippie son is stoned,which he was not!
    Hoping to leave swiftly at this point and make deposits from the safety of the outside of a bank, on came the deal breaker, the icing on the cake, or in my case, the pie in the face, The banker said that the final step was for my son to sign his name in the atm pad to make his first deposit. Ok, thank the Lord above, we were almost done! And then it happened. I watched in horror as he PRINTED his name! Yes, that's right,  I said printed his name.
     I felt my armpits begin to sweat as I sweetly leaned over and whispered and tried not to sound mortified, "Bud, that's is your printed name, he wants your signature"..yano , like cursive!!!! Trying to act like it was a simple mistake, my son looked at me perplexed and said, "Mom, we haven't done cursive since like 3rd grade!" I tried to save face by talking the importance of online schooling and computer text versus the  ancient 1990 art of cursive. The banker  looked embarrassed for me as he sympathetically agreed. My son then began the task of writing his signature with giant letters and the skill of his third grade self. Phew, at least it was done. The banker shook our hand and I high stepped it out of there with my new little bank account holder in tow.
    In retrospect the day was a huge mama success.  Like the banker said, few 15 year olds have a bank accounts and even though my son acted like a kid, I can't help but smile and be thankful for just that. In a few short years , this  sweet boy will no longer need me for such things.  And so what if his signature wasn't perfectly formed? I have taught him so many more valuable things that he will carry with him his whole life. The ability to see people for who God made them to be, the kindness that flows from his being, and the strength to stand out in this world and be an original. But most importantly, I realized that I have no need to sing my sons praises to strangers because after time spent with other people, they are the one that do the singing.

New IDEAS…and adapting.

December..

Yes…we’re here AGAIN.

I am sure some of you are saying, “Oh, no!!! Here comes the Christmas rant …AGAIN.”

But…I am NOT. GOING. TO. DO. IT.

If you want to know my views on Christmas….You can find them on this blog…check back in the month of December in the past few years.

This year…I am going about this a little differently.

I thought this year that maybe instead of pointing out the “don’ts”, I would point out some “do’s”.

You see THIS year I find myself STRETCHING.

My mind is growing.

JUST In the past couple of years we haven’t TOTALLY shunned Christmas and anything that has to do with it. Our lives have opened up to new ideas. The kids have grown and up and we feel like we can expose them to things that we COULDN’T before.

Learning to walk a new walk…we are trying to focus on what we appreciate about this time of year.

Family.

Love.

Life.

It is actually the SAME things that we appreciate EVERY OTHER time of year….but, we are JUST figuring out how to navigate OUTSIDE of our comfort zone.

We are TRYING to adapt….trying to ADJUST.

It is an INTERNAL STRUGGLE.

Something I wrestle with DAILY.

So THIS year….I thought that maybe I would SHARE some things that HELP make this SEASON “feel right” to me.

THIS month…I am going to try and post about some different things that might do the same for YOU.

The FIRST thing I want to post are some IDEAS.

Some things that you can do that are EASY and CHEAP.

I am working out within myself that “gifts” during this time of year are ok.

STRESSING out and going into debt to BUY gifts…NOT OK.

And if this SEASON is TRULY about JESUS and HONORING him….I think that he would be MAJORLY PISSED at the way this society has been TOTALLY overtaken by consumerism and materialism.

Sooooo…….

This is my 1st idea:

MAKE everything you can.

Like THESE:

White Chocolate Peppermint covered Popcorn????

Yes, Please!!!!!

Let’s fight the MACHINE…as much as possible.

You give but little when you give of your possessions.  It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.  ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Editing…….thru life.

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise”Alden Nowlan

 

It happened.

I officially turned into my Mother.

I love my Mother, don’t get me wrong. She is amazing,but- there is something weird and “out –of- body” when you realize ..

YOU

ARE

YOUR

MOTHER.

Maybe not in every way…maybe not every DAY.

But…at the core we are all OUR MOTHERS.

Mothers are all the same…at the core.

We love our babies and will fight to the death for our families.

All the same….kind of.

LOL

When I was young….I liked thrift stores.

I LOVED a $.25 shirt.

My Mother did not….which of course, fueled MY fire.

She would throw them away when I wasn’t watching.

EVERY

CHANCE

SHE

GOT.

THEN…..

Every chance I got I would go to the Purple Heart in Pasadena, Texas and buy every $.25 shirt I thought would slightly set me apart from EVERYONE else….and slightly tick off my Mom.

Of course, at the time…I didn’t realize what I was doing….

On SOME levels.

I thought I just liked THOSE shirts.

I was not yet wise enough to realize that at my core …I was just being a rebel….to be a rebel.

I was not yet wise enough that I was fighting the wrong oppose.

She wasn’t the enemy…even if she DID steal my shirts.

She wasn’t TRYING to keep me from the vintage jacket that I got for $3…..but she couldn’t help it.

She was trying…..just to keep some control.

She NEEDED to still grasp onto me in some small way.

I was growing up, and she just wanted to do some editing.

And then you GROWN UP…..and have kids of your own.

At some point we realize that our parents want what is BEST for us…even if it means fighting us.

Even if it means EDITING…just to have a touch of control on something you have NO CONTROL over …

Time.

Growth.

Kids.

And then it happened to me…..

Sheba got a shirt in a bag of clothes…

It was CRAZY BAD….

 

I know that the animal print and stripes are “in”…but-

I

CAN’T

DO

IT!!!!!

I took the shirt before Sheba could see it and

THREW

IT

AWAY.

Immediately realizing that ..

I AM MY MOTHER.

I AM EVERY MOTHER.

Just editing my way thru their lives…

TRYING to hold onto a small bit of control.

Just like MY Mother did.