Sandpaper….and life.

Maybe I used to live a life that SEEPED with guilt and unhappiness ….

Maybe I did things that you would NEVER believe……..

Maybe the person I was is a MILLION miles from  the person I AM…..

Maybe it feels like I have stolen memories  from a faraway land….

Maybe as I have gotten older I have realized that THOSE things make me who I am today….

and at the same time….

they

don’t.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we were “discussing” someone we both “know”.  She was talking about all the things that this girl had done to make my friend not like her.

It was a string of things.

A list.

A long list.

One of the things she said was something about something she had done at 17.   The girl is 26 or so now.

It really struck me in that moment.

Jeez…I hope people don’t judge me by the things I did when I was 17.

Whoa…..there were a lot of “things” I did I am not proud of.

And for the most part…I don’t know why I did them.

I didn’t come from a terrible background…I had parents who loved me.  I went to a good school.  I was popular.  I had friends.

I

had

a

great

life.

But for some reason……I was unhappy.  I was aching.

At the time it never made sense to me.

Well….Actually-  I never thought about it.

It never crossed my mind at 17 to THINK about why I was doing what I was doing.

When I think about it now…

it

seems

so

clear.

I wanted to rebel….against SOMETHING.

It was my rebel soul stirring. preparing me.

I wanted to rebel against myself, my parents, my friends, but MOSTLY…my all American life.  You know the one everyone dreams of??? 

The life where ….

I live in not 1 but 2 NICE houses, I had a car, loving, devoted parents, a nice school, family and friends.

But still……..

I wanted to FEEL rebellious.

That neat, tidy life didn’t “fit” me very well.  I wanted it to.  I put up a good front.   I wore a pretty mask.  But…it. didn’t. fit.

NOW….

I understand now that it was just me struggling thru the corners and tunnels of soul.  Without even knowing it.  I was strengthening myself for THIS LIFE.

I was a rebel in training.

All that rebelling was preparing me for the biggest act of rebellion of all….

Following God and walking IN my faith.

Which is a TOTALLY rebellious thing to do these days.

That life was like SANDPAPER for my soul.

Fine grit sandpaper. 

It made me WHO I AM.

That struggle defined me.

That struggle MADE me. 

Because after all that debauchery and fun, after all that “rebelling” ...

the true test was when God truly came into my life.

The true test would be finding a balance in my life between who I was and who I was becoming.

And little did I know….all that rebellion and “living”  was exactly what I needed to get back to the core of  myself.

Back to the “I-n-I”.

That life made me realize that true rebellion happens on the inside…

it happens when….

you LIVE your life to the fullest,

when you stand in your faith,

when you shine your light,

and

when you help others find theirs.

That is the essence or rebellion.

Sometimes its fine grit and sometimes it is rough grit.

But it is really the GRIT that matters.

As I write this today…I am eternally grateful for that life because as hard as it was…..

It made me.

Deep.

I ran a bath and told the kids to read for 30 min and I set a timer.

I settled in with some parenting book that I brought in with me.

I figured I had 30 min to myself…well, 20 if I was lucky.

Kids….I sat thinking about how life was strange.

How did I get to THIS point in my life?

How did I get to a point where I have a bunch of kids that are growing literally in front of me.

How?

When?

WHY?

Why does it feel like days slip thru my fingers like sand while I desperately try and grasp them before they slip away?

Why does it feel like things are changing so fast that I am having a hard time “keeping up”?

Then I heard something…something. different.

I turned off the bathwater and listened carefully….

Someone was talking.

It wasn’t the kids.

It was a man…..in the house?

My heart started racing…..

I quickly jumped out of the bath and wrapped up in a towel.

I ran, still wet into the hallway and stuck my head into the living room….

all the kids looked up startled.

“What’s wrong Mom?  Why did you get out of the bath?” said Shasha.

I looked around the room confused.

I know I heard a MAN.

“I thought I heard someone talking….like a MANS voice.”

They all looked at each other and shrugged.

Then Zeek said , in a strikingly deep voice that I swear he didn’t have when I went into the BATH, “It was me Mom.  I was the only one talking.”

I stood there for a minute in total confusion.

That couldn’t have been Zeek…it was a MANS voice.

I looked again…..nope, he was the only one there.

It was happening….we were changing.  Right. before. my. eyes.

I slowly walked back to the bath a little more AWARE of just how quickly the sand is actually falling thru my fingers.

and

a little bit more desperate to keep days from slipping away.

Concrete Boots….

Yuck.

Blah.

Dreary.

Melancholy.

Tired.

Those are the words I would use to describe my attitude the last few months.I have felt like I have been standing in quicksand. Struggling. 

Clawing my way thru life.

Seriously…in the TRENCHES of life.

NOT winning.

I just haven't been able to shake it.

I have thought about it and thought about it.

What I have come up with is THIS:

This has been BY FAR my hardest year of homeschooling.   I think that up until now…I have never had ALL 4 kids “IN SCHOOL” at one time.  Up until now it has been 1, then 2, then 3…now 4!!.!!  And- they were all in elementary school.   Easy Peasy!!  Now….we are ALL  ACTIVELY PARTICIPATING in our school day.  And we aren't “watered down” with the ABC’s or crafts really.  We  are all  REALLY doing all our work DAILY. 

So…there's THAT pressure.

Add THAT to:

kids who have gotten OUT of a routine

and

have started to talk back and not listen

and the there is the ARGUING….

HOLY SHIT the arguing.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is some HEAVY shit.  Like carrying weighty heavy bricks …walking uphill.  In concrete boots.

Don’t get me wrong…we have good days.

But-

sometimes when I let the devil seep in…. I doubt myself and I fail.

Or

at least I feel like I do.

And isn’t that the same thing really????

Pair that with the last couple of months of having more BAD days than GOOD days finally made me BREAK.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I MIGHT have had a mini-meltdown.

I MIGHT have had a moment.

MAYBE.

A moment when I just decided to FIGHT.

I decided to take my life back from the CHAOS and STRESS that had been building.

I

would

take

it

no

longer.

So I sat them down and explained EXACLTY how this was going to go down…..

From now on we would:

1. get back on a schedule.  Like a real schedule.  A timed schedule.  SHOCKING…I know!.

2. they would start to LISTEN.  Like not “half-ass” listen….like REALLY listen.  The 1st time.  Not the 50th.

3.  They would STOP arguing and bickering.  They WOULD be thankful for each other and GRATEFUL for their brothers and sisters.  Because they are a freakin’ gift!!!

4.  They would make school easier on me by COOPERATING and DOING their schoolwork.  Whatever schoolwork I tell them to do!!  They would be PATIENT with ME.  Because I have 4 students doing 4 different things ….at all  times.  JEEZ!!!!!.

I EMPHASIZED that this WOULD be in their “best interest”.

I STRESSED that they SHOULD cooperate. 

OR

ELSE.

It had to be done.  The way it WAS…was going to KILL me.

It was time.

I just realized that some things needed to change in my life in order for me to get thru these years.

I needed to take back control and do what I KNEW needed to be done.

Make the changes that needed to be made.

Do the hard things that are so simple.

Just do what I know in my heart is right for my SOUL.

Put one foot in front of the other…

even when your boots are made of CONCRETE.

Because even concrete boots will crumble….

when walked in enough.

THANK GOD!!!

The right track….

 

I’m a worrier….

I know it contradicts with my “chilled out” lifestyle.  (Or what SOME PERCIEVE as my “chilled out lifestyle”)

What can I say???   Old habits die hard.

I can’t help it…

I worry.

I fret.

I fear.

When I was younger….I had NO FEAR.

I did things that MOST people wouldn’t dream of.

Some good things…mostly- not so good things.

All because of a lack of FEAR in my life.

A lack AWARENESS that …in life – FEAR can keep you in check.

FEAR of consequences.

FEAR of what happens when you have NO FEAR.

It’s healthy….As long as you USE it to motivate you. (that’s what I tell myself, anyway.)

In my life …FEAR sneaks in when I waste too much time thinking  about-

raising my kids

who they will BE

teaching them

training them

educating them

I fear it all.

But mostly…

I

fear

if

what

I

am

doing

is

ENOUGH????

Are the lessons that I am teaching them going to prepare them for LIFE?

Am I doing a good enough job teaching them about what is REAL and IMPORTANT in life???

Is the example we, as parents, are setting GOOD ENOUGH?

Then….

there are times when I am GRANTED a small blessing.

A gift of insight…

Like tonight….I was babysitting a friends baby(11 months).  She had never stayed with us before, so she was a bit “timid” at first.  She went from kid to kid and back to me again.  She was tired, but would. not. let. go.

All the kids took a swing at sitting with her and walking her around.

Bless their hearts…they all tried.

She.

wasn’t.

having.

it.

She was going to FUSS about it.

I mean…that is what they do.

But…I’ve done this a time or 10,637.  I knew that she would eventually wear herself out and go to sleep.  The fussing doesn’t bother me.

It did bother ZEEK.  He came out of his room, where he was watching “The Mummy”.  Do you KNOW how hard it is to get a 12 year old boy to pull himself away from an action movie????

The fact that he came out of his ROOM because she was crying said enough.

That baby was pulling on his heart strings.

And let’s face it ….he is NO STRANGER to babies.

His Dad is the “baby whisperer”.

No really.

Anyway….

Then he did something amazing.

He said, “Give her to me Mom.  I’ll walk her around.  I think she is just fighting sleep.”

I smiled and my heart melted.

Then for about 45 min….

He walked her around.

He bounced her.

He fed her a bottle.

He rocked her.

He was patient and kind and he put her to sleep.

And as I was watching this I was blessed with a thought..

It occurred to me that I didn’t need to FEAR so much in my life now.

I don’t need to WONDER…

are we doing enough?

how will they “turn out”?

I had proof standing in front of me that I was doing SOMETHING right.

I have a 12 year old son that is -

patient enough..

compassionate enough..

unselfish enough..

and

LOVES enough…

to put a baby he barely knows to sleep, without being asked.

I’d say were on the right track………..

Many hands make light work…Maybe.

 

For the last few years I have been Jay’s sounding board.

You see…He likes to TALK. 

Don’t get too excited.  He is far from a roses and “sweet nothings” kind of guy.

DOING is his love language….not flowers or cards.

When I say, “he likes to talk", I mean LITERALLY.

Specifically he likes to talk about PLANS and DREAMS for the house and the property.

He likes to walk around the yard and discuss…in detail, what he wants to do HERE…or THERE.

Don’t get me wrong….I LOVE to listen.

No- really…I do.

But this man of mine….he dreams BIG.

His ideas unfold into LONG WALKS…sometimes its basically just LAPS around the acre we have. 

And I can appreciate that.  I LOVE that about him.

It’s just HARD for me.  I guess I think more on the “step-by-step, moment-by moment” level.  It’s really hard for me to SEE it.  Maybe because essentially I am flawed in some ways.  It always seems like '”a lot” to me to “see”. 

It seems HEAVY.  Just the” idea” of the plans makes me tired.

Maybe it is…

the dishes in the sink.

the laundry pile on the floor.

the dust in the living room.

the front porch that needs to be swept.

the spelling words that need to be planed.

the seeds that need to get in the dirt.

the schoolroom that needs to be cleaned.

the rabbit cage that needs to be fixed.

Maybe it’s the EDUCATING OF 4 KIDS????

I don’t know…

It has always just been  an inner struggle for me to walk around the yard and plan the BIG things.

There is always a PULL to get back to the “daily” stuff that needs to be done.  It just makes me feel overwhelmed.

So…I have always TRIED to walk with him…to listen to him.

I want him to feel HEARD.  Because in the end….

He makes shit HAPPEN.

He gets it done.

every.time.

But…

it

is

exhausting

for

me

mentally.

I guess I just compartmentalize it as …”not my department”.

I know….so “independent” of me. But…that is easier for me. Lighter.

So The other day….I noticed something that was like MUSIC to my tired ears.

I heard Jay and ZEEK walking around the house….talking about their PLANS and DREAMS for the bathroom they had just GUTTED.

The sinks would be here.

The “new to us” garden tub would be here.

The toilet was moving to over here.

And pretty sure I heard something about making the toilet closet look like a old wooden outhouse. (Swoon!!!!)

Um…Yes, please!!!!

It was so LIBERATING.

It felt so AWESOME that Zeek had taken some of my weight.

He had made my walk lighter….without even knowing it.

AMAZING!!!

Maybe this whole “growing up” thing has a silver lining to it…

Maybe.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Just….Next to him.

We are an affectionate family.

Scratch that….

We are an EXTREMELY affectionate family.

We never let them “cry it out”….

We aren’t especially strict…

We always let them sleep in our beds…even today..

We give away TONS AND TONS of hugs and kisses.

And I guess as a Mom…I see us as a family that will always kiss and hug…A LOT.  Which is a no brainer when you have little kids….they crave affection and almost HANG on you.

But…

sometimes things change as they get older.

(Damn you, Time!!!)

About 6 months ago when I would go to kiss Zeek on the lips, he would turn his cheek.

Shudder…I know.

After a few times of this happening, I. had. to.say.something.

I HAD to explain that THIS… was not going down like THAT.

I had to explain that even GROWN ASS MEN kiss their Mama’s.

I am pretty sure I said something about birthing him, and labor, and that I had earned kisses for ETERNITY.

Yadda Yadda.  LOL.

I even called Jay in to set. him. straight.

After that…he was cool.

He is always super sweet and loving….

but as a “pre-teen”…I am learning that the best thing I can do is:

BE

AVAILABLE

and

DON’T

ASK.

Stand next to him, sit close to him, walk with him, LISTEN to him.

Just BE THERE.

It is in THESE times that he opens up fully.

And SOMETIMES,when I am REALLY lucky….when  I walk with him, he gently laces his fingers in mine.

I don’t say a word…..I just smile and keep walking.

Cherishing every single minute.

In life’s “weeds”……

The “weeds”….

that’s what we call it when we get REALLY busy waiting on tables.

You know….running your ass off trying to…

please everyone at once

AND

get everything done

AND

not forget ONE THING.

Yeah…

That. is. my. life. right. now.

I've said it before …..life was MUCH easier when all I had to do to make someone happy was…

put a boob in their mouth.

But…

Gone are those days.

Now we are in the “weeds” with emerging hormones, school, dance(x6 days a week) ju-jit-zu(x2 days a week), PRE-MS,  changing voices,slight  behavior issues, feeding 4 GROWING kids,  sibling rivalry, adjusting to a new schedule and those are just THEIR issues.

Don’t get me started on MY ISSUES:

still broken

still learning

still praying

still surviving

thru PARENTHOOD.

Life is a crazy journey.

Sometimes I have time to write about it

and

sometimes I don’t.

Bare with me…..

I’m just doing some “landscaping".

15 blocks of jealousy….

 

About every 3 blocks the school bus would stop and I would see  sleepy eyed parents waving goodbye to the kids with a half-smile.

We were DIRECTLY behind the bus on A1A….

all

the

way

down

the

beach.

We had to stop at each and every stop on the way to take Jay to work.

What seemed like an eternity was probably more like 15 blocks.

With every stop I was becoming more and more GREEN.

15 torturous blocks of watching parents send kids to school…only to go home and do GOD-knows what.

Whatever they wanted….5-6 hours to themselves.

Ugh.

I imagine they lay in the sun reading 50 shades of Grey

or

they have dinner with their beasties…EVERY. DAY.

or

they relax, get all the laundry done and watch “Days of Our Lives”, which coincidentally…is like NONE of the days of their lives.

I am not going to lie….

I

was

JEALOUS,

Jelly,

Green faced,

Envious. 

All at one time.

The day before was REALLY hard for me in school. 

Sometimes it runs smoothly, and sometimes it all turns to shit.

Being COMPLETELY responsible for the outcome of my 4 kids education is a DAUNTING TASK. 

Like…”make me doubt myself, and bring me to my knees” daunting.

It is a huge responsibility that I don’t take lightly.

There are times that I read all the blogs on the internet and forget that they are all not 1 PERSON.  They are all different people doing small tasks everyday.  But it is easy to forget that and feel like a failure when you don’t complete a “pin” everyday.

It is easy to get down on yourself and think….

CAN

I

DO

THIS????

I mean…can I REALLY educate these kids?

REALLY?

You see…the devil seeps in as doubt.

He can come in thru a crack and permeate a space.

Quickly.

He is always conspiring  to steal our joy and rob us of what we KNOW to be TRUE.

He is slick like that.

But he is no match for the Almighty.

God KNOWS truth and intent.

He knows that because my intentions are good….I WILL SUCCEED.

He knows that my drive will conquer my jealousy.

He knows that in my heart….I am doing exactly what I should be doing for my family.

He knows because ….

He put all those traits in me.

He grew my strength and made me - just. for. this. life.

Perfectly woven and ripened….

to be doing exactly what I am doing right now.

Even after 15 blocks of jealousy.

Half my heart……….

We have been having a debate in our house.

A TEXAS SIZED dilemma…

You see…

I am a Texan.

I was born and raised a Texan.

1/2 my heart lives in Texas…still today.

I came to Florida when I was 19.

So young….I really just wanted to go to the beach.

And I LOVE IT…

I live in an amazing town and live a JOY filled life.

But…

I am a TEXAN.

Make no mistake about it.

And if there is one thing Texans are…it is proud.

As I have grown up…this has GROWN in me.

Now..at 35-

I love everything “Texas”…

the 1000 degree summers

the bluebonnets

the dear leases

the line dances

the country cookin’

the wide open spaces

the Whataburger

the cows

the 2 steppin’

the big cities

the small towns

the rodeos

the cowboys

the chemical plants

the ship channel

but mostly…

I love the HEARTBEAT of Texas.

The family and friends that GREW me.

It is what brings me back over and over.

I

Love

Texas.

So you can imagine how proud I was when I heard about THIS conversation when Jay was explaining the kids heritage to them:

Jay:  You guys know my family is Italian.  My family came to the United States from Italy.  So you are 1/2 Italian.

Shasha:  So we’re 1/2 Italian and 1/2 Texan!!!!

Yes, child….you are.

LOL.

Jay tries to argue.

He says something about “Texas not being a country”.

He just doesn’t “get it”.

I guess my TEXAS LOVE is rubbing off!!!

Now …..to teach them that “Deep in the Heart of Texas” is our National Anthem.

Hahahah

Back in the saddle…..

I’m BACK….

We’ll….I’m trying to be.

I spent the last month or so really IN my life.

Sometimes I get really lost in all the “extras”.

Facebook

My blog

My cell phone

You know…all the things that tend to pull us slowly away from  REAL LIFE.

The things that creep in and steal your time…those are the things that keep us from really being EMMERSED in our lives.

Those are the things that keep me 1/2 in moments that I should be ALL in for.

It was a nice break…and it really gave me a chance to reevaluate what I wanted to accomplish thru those outlets.

This is what I came up with:

I love my Facebook…all my friends are in there.  It is where I keep in touch with old friends and even make some new friends.

And

I love my blog.

I really do.

But…..

I have never felt more pressured by a non-existent deadline in my life.

There is no one telling me what to write

or

when to write.

But sometimes…I just don’t feel like it.

I just don’t feel like “thinking deeply” about anything.I really feel like my DAILY life takes every bit of  “creativity” I have.

I mean….I have 2 pre-teens

and

an overly emotional 9 year old

and

a 7yr old is going on 15.

My day can be pretty long and exhausting.  It seems to be a never-ending stream of  long talks and breaking up arguments.

Kind of like a carnival ride…

that

never

stops.

But I also know that one day….I will be so proud of the fact that I have kept this amazing journal of our lives.   It is something that really means a lot to me.  Something I have been working on for a VERY LONG TIME.

So…..In the end I decided that :

1.  It was a nice break from the norm to NOT write and feel pressured by an imaginary boss waiting on his “next story”.

2. I am BACK!!!  I am going to make an effort starting today to keep up with this daily journal and blog.