Saturday, December 18, 2010

"Walking" the "talk"........


But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Sam 16:7

I have a confession....
I am a phoney.

I talk big.
I speak well.
I APPEAR confident. be honest....
Its a SHAM.

I am not that woman.

I ASPIRE to be confident.

But....I am still enslaved by FOOLISH THOUGHTS.

My appearance and weight still CHALLENGE me.

They always have.

They probably always will.

When I was in high school, my WHOLE SELF was encompassed in how I LOOKED.

It was THIN I was.

It was ALWAYS about how thin I was...
what to eat?
what to wear?
how many calories was THAT?
how can I get RID of it?

A downward spiral that left me and empty shell....too consumed by SELF DOUBT to ever even CONSIDER God in my life.

Too ENSLAVED by what I had been FED...mentally.

Too innocent to even know where to begin to START the order to get to TRUTH.

I was SAVED.

My life changed.....
all of the suddden - HE was watching.

I was suddenly accountable to GOD for something that was CONSUMING me.
It wasn't ok.
It was VANITY....which in the end only makes you the eyes of the LORD.

So ....
I fought the GOOD FIGHT.
I conquered bulimia/anorexia.
That was 12 years ago....
and still sometimes.....
I lack confidence.
TRUTHFULLY.....I do alot.

But sometimes I RISE UP and CONQUER my fears.
I have learned the last few years that I do have it in me.
I can pull it out of me.

Which is EXACTLY what I did on Wednesday night for my work Christmas party.
It was FANCY .....
and I was scared.
I did it.
I got dressed up....I really put myself out there.
It was fun and SHOCKING to my coworkers...who think of me as a "prude".
I was soooo proud of myself.
I was "walking" what I am always "talking".
I pulled the confidence out of myself.
With the help of GOD....I felt pretty.







Anonymous said...

I love this one Jana!! So honest, we all strugle with those crazy thoughts that run thru our heads but not many are able to express them so great, you have always been such an awesome poet/writer, such a talented sister I have! LOVE LOVE LOVE you!

PS- you looked fantastic!!!


Shainee said...

You are my soul siter. This post made me cry. It is also such a reflection of my old life. Glad we made the journey to salvation and are allowing ourselves to be the women he created. <3