Saturday, December 18, 2010
"Walking" the "talk"........
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Sam 16:7
I have a confession....
I am a phoney.
I talk big.
I speak well.
I APPEAR confident.
But...to be honest....
Its a SHAM.
I am not that woman.
I ASPIRE to be confident.
But....I am still enslaved by FOOLISH THOUGHTS.
My appearance and weight still CHALLENGE me.
They always have.
They probably always will.
When I was in high school, my WHOLE SELF was encompassed in how I LOOKED.
It was about....how THIN I was.
It was ALWAYS about how thin I was...
what to eat?
what to wear?
how many calories was THAT?
how can I get RID of it?
A downward spiral that left me and empty shell....too consumed by SELF DOUBT to ever even CONSIDER God in my life.
Too ENSLAVED by what I had been FED...mentally.
Too innocent to even know where to begin to START the fight...in order to get to TRUTH.
I was SAVED.
My life changed.....
all of the suddden - HE was watching.
I was suddenly accountable to GOD for something that was CONSUMING me.
It wasn't ok.
It was VANITY....which in the end only makes you UGLY...in the eyes of the LORD.
I fought the GOOD FIGHT.
I conquered bulimia/anorexia.
That was 12 years ago....
and still sometimes.....
I lack confidence.
TRUTHFULLY.....I do alot.
Its YUCKY and MESSY.
I am NOT PROUD.
But sometimes I RISE UP and CONQUER my fears.
I have learned ...in the last few years that I do have it in me.
I can pull it out of me.
Which is EXACTLY what I did on Wednesday night for my work Christmas party.
It was FANCY .....
and I was scared.
I did it.
I got dressed up....I really put myself out there.
It was fun and SHOCKING to my coworkers...who think of me as a "prude".
I was soooo proud of myself.
I was "walking" what I am always "talking".
I pulled the confidence out of myself.
With the help of GOD....I felt pretty.