Monday, June 13, 2011

A journey,a lesson, and a puzzle piece.

I wanted for this last 2 1/2 weeks to make me a stronger person.

I yearned for the time apart to TEACH me that I DONT MIND DOING IT ALONE.

I aspired to come out on the other side SHINING brighter, because I was BETTER.

I thought that MAYBE THIS TIME would be different. I figured that when Jay went on tour THIS TIME....the kids were older so it would be easier.

Last time he went on tour was one of the most difficult times in my adult life.
He would leave for weeks at a time and then come home for a few days only to leave again...for weeks.
It was BEYOND HARD to take care of 4 VERY SMALL children....ALONE.

It was a LONG, HARD experience for me,
I considered it a gift.
It was a GIFT I was giving to my best friend.
It was a gesture of LOVE that I could give to him.....
I could take care of his children and home while he fulfilled one of HIS dreams.
I could DO THAT....
I could give him the "gift" of that musical experience.
Traveling the US...touring with a sucessfull band was something that I KNEW he wanted.
And it was something I COULD give.
I did it. I gave that gift to him...willingly.

And then THIS TIME...when the opportunity came around again...

I made a decision...
THIS TIME...I would conquer my SELF.
I would rise above my fears and self-doubt and I would PREVAIL.
The chores would easily get done.
The house would stay clean...because my children(who were also learning to not yell, or argue)keep it that way....I mean- they are OLDER now....THIS SEEMED do-able.
It seemed like something that was MANAGABLE .
I WANTED it to be something that I walked away from feeling EMPOWERED as a mother.


I do not feel stronger.
I do not feel like it taught me anything...except that I miss him DEARLY when he gone.
Nor do I feel like I am "shining" any "brighter" from the experience.

What I did learn is that in times of frustration...I should be more forgiving, because life SUCKS without him.

I learned that time does not make me feel makes me feel farther away.Like on two ends of a bridge. FAR AWAY.

I learned that doing the work of SUPERAD is HEAVY. The "man jobs" are strenuous, tiring jobs. I never want to DRAG the trash cans and recycling down the LONG path to the street...ever again.THAT is a dirty job.

And I also learned that life is more dull and mundane without him.
He is the light of sooo many lives and brings positivity and FUN to all situations.
He is the perfect piece to OUR puzzle.
An life is too short to take that for granted.

I learned to LOVE an APPRECIATE him more....ALWAYS.

Funny how sometimes in life you THINK you know the lessons you are up against.
You THINK you know your destiny.
Only to be reminded that life is an unknown journey with roads yet to be travelled...sometimes mentally and sometimes physically.


Anonymous said...

Why don't you just have your kids drag the trash to the corner? Also, it sounds like its good for him to go away so that you learn to do some of the gross jobs and be a little more self sufficient. Dragging the trash to the curb is so not a real issue.

Anonymous said...

Who ever wrote that first comment clearly missed the point of how much you love your husband of over 10 years ( at least?) and your family - of your openess and humility. More self-sufficient? Give me a break... you're a super mom. You are raising four amazing kids, home schooling them and woking nights on top of it. I'm not normally a "comment" person but the previous comment is ridiculous and clearly doesn't know the first thing about you. -Cayman

Jana said...

THANK YOU Cayman!!! Dont you love how they CHOSE to stay anonymous!!! LOL Love ya...Jana